So I'm off to LA, but before I go...

Hope your party goes good. I'm kinda bummed that you couldn't just wait one more week...haha! Anyway have a kick ass time and I'll talk to you guys soon...unless the LA fires eat me up and sends me back to the place from which I spawned.

I'm off to Disneyland where I'll get two things accomplished. See what is different from the last time I have went (which has been too long) to see if I can plan our trip better (email coming soon) and also to return to the place that pretty much started my inspiration in art. People wonder why I like Disneyland so much...sure it might be old, not for the older crowd, but the bottom line is that without Disneyland and Disney in general, I'm not sure if I would be on the creative tip. (Or lack thereof as of late)

Also for Andy who asks for things then bitches about it later. Funny how he can read 200 pages of Grand Theft Auto Strategy guide, but can't read the dramatic shit going on in my life! Haha! So here we go...my theme park...one of two projects in the works. These first screens are from my Disneyland in RollerCoasterTycoon 3. Enjoy Captain...because when I got back I got another smokin' picture of Kristin. =P

So I hadn't heard from anyone really about the Halo game, but we should really set one up.

Girls
I think I was in a very similar situation as Tony in terms of where I used to be. From 6th grade until Senior year of high school, I would say most of my really good friends/people I talked with a lot were girls. I don't know what happened in college, but I guess I found the closest thing which was Kevin.

Right now, I think I'm relatively friendly to any new person that I meet regardless of whether it's a boy or girl. For the most part, I like meeting new people, but as it stands right now, I barely see my good friends M - F, so taking the effort to get to know someone new is almost out of the question.

I think I essentially have the same outlook as Tony except I'm a little more political about it. Some jest that my most friendliest award in high school was a sham, which could be true, but the outside world never has to know who I really am! Essentially the differences with the situations below, I would most likely listen to the girl that was having problems even though I wouldn't necessarily want to, I wouldn't flip a girl that slapped me, and I wouldn't toss two girls around like rag dolls. The cool difference between me and Tony is that he has the balls to do something like that.

I hope this didn't start because Steve said he would fear introducing you to a girl more then any of us. haha

Brendan was always my first fear because I know the human psyche is kind of a game to him, so he just wants new people to play with. Unfortunately for me, my girls were always the pawns of his evil destruction. =)

I think a girl meeting us all together is the best way for them to find out if they want to stick around. We all have an interesting dynamic with each other - we can be offensive, sarcastic, rude when we're together. But once a person understands it's all in good fun and we're just that comfortable around each other, the sky's the limit. Imagine being in front of a girl while Brendan and Kevin are talking about playing with each other magic balls...if she sticks around, she's a keeper. haha or has some weird fetish....

Hope and Fate
You guys can call it bullshit, but I believe there is a reason for a lot of things that occur in our world that can't be explained. I like to think I have control of my life, but sometimes things happen so coincidentally that it just makes you wonder. Sometimes I think, what really drove me to choose this direction, was I meant to choose this route?

You can disregard this and call me crazy since I think more about random things and panic more then any of you combined minus Steve. =)

But seriously, there have been a lot of decisions that I've made, some good, some bad, but sometimes I just get that feeling inside that I was supposed to choose a path for a reason. Especially with all the pain I was in and have been in through out the years, those emotions were uncontrollable. All the hard work you do, all the pain you go through, all the trials that we go through in life have to be for some reason beyond just plain ol' happiness, right? haha

Why do I feel like there has to be a reason for it? Dunno, but perhaps I'll find out one day what all the pain I went through was for...

Motivation
What drives any of us to where we are today?

Sometimes I wonder what if I didn't hooked up at IBM? Where would I be? I made absolutely no effort to find another job once I found out I had IBM. Was I curious about what other opportunities were out there? Sure, but it wasn't enough to drive me away from the "easy" route.

Reading Brendan's post, I kind of wonder if I would be in the same rut if I had no idea where I want to go (granted I don't have his "talents" and "skills"), but I wonder if I would feel just as lost.

This kind of goes with the above about Fate, though I don't LOVE my job, I tolerate it and I tend to like it about 90% of the time. Some people were meant to have a desk job and I think I was definitely one of them.

So the creative juices ain't flowin' yet huh? My advice to someone is kind of a cliche. Go to a beach, watch a sunset, go to the top of a hill and watch the city at night, take a hike, go camping, go to Monterey again, go travel somewhere where you may get inspired. The things I described are everyday things in my life that I find beautiful and if I ever felt uninspired I would think about doing such things. Go see the beauty that life provides and hopefully something sparks in your head where you can put something down on paper. I don't know how your creativity worked before, if it does work by staying at home watching movies, playing videogames, etc. then keep at it. I understand creativity just doesn't grow on trees and takes some time.

Just know, I wouldn't worry about it. I think you know that all of us believe in you and for the most part, I think you know that we don't really worry about you in the sense that we all know that you'll be successful at whatever you do.

Am I still the house that gets the door to door salesmen? If so, that is awesome!

btw, i was looking at old posts, when i used to post more often on here, i found this hilarious...

so i posted in one of my posts:
" And all the critics that said that "Full Circle" sucked or was the biggest disappoint ever can suck my dick." -Monday, March 3 2003

and in the following post, Jon said:
"Full Circle sucked and was the biggest disappointment ever. Now let’s have at that dick."
-Tuesday, March 4 2003

Here's another thing Jon wrote about me. This was after i went off on after brendan told us about the Tomo's drama, and i said that i would kick anyone's ass who fucks with my friends. This is Jon's follow up to that post (I seriously laughed out loud at the part about "the sixth sense":

"Steve, it’s nice to see how violently loyal you are to your friends. I’ve gotta warn whoever’s out there even thinking about doing something to piss this guy off. He may seem happy now, what with a girl and APhiO, but he’s got years of rage in reserves… he can just imagine me not holding cookies or some other petty kid shiet, and BAM part of your face is missing and the sixth sense is two beyond what you’ve got. Kids will be reading about it in history books: The Trail of Ears, from San Diego to Fresno. And those kids will be crying." -Friday, March 14 2003

okay okay one more!!! This one is long. i'm only posting the whole thing so you guys dont have to click back. Anyways, read this analogy made Jon made about girls and jeans, and he also mentioned something abour fate, destiny at the end, for more relevent goodness:

The question I raised with Bryant was not about settling in general. I agree there’s no truly perfect match, and you might always wonder about other possibilities. I was making a distinction between (a) taking risks to pursue what you really want, and (b) waiting for something to come to you.

If you’re still not getting it, here’s an analogy:
Shopping.
For jeans.
You have ideas of what you want: style, color, size… and you know it must be available somewhere. All you have to do is go out to some stores and look. The risk? Maybe they won’t have your size. Maybe they’ll be black when you want blue. When this happens, sure, it’ll hurt like hell and you’ll cry, but eventually you get over it and try another store. If you keep trying, eventually you’ll find your fit. Because come on, there are plenty of jeans stores in the sea. That’s word.

Now…
What if you only bought jeans from door-to-door salesmen? Why risk going to the store, you might get hurt again . You decide to wait until the salesmen come to you. You choose from whatever selection they offer. Sure, it’s simple, effortless, convenient… and you might even find a decent fit, and be content with what you get. But there’s a whole world of denim out there you’re not even giving yourself a chance to try on.

So where in the context of this analogy does each of us fit in?

Brendan - doesn’t want to spend his money at a store, or even on gas to get there. Fuck jeans.
Brian - tried a few white jeans in the past. The last comfortable pair was from a store that closed, but recently reopened. He’s considering going back to see what’s in stock now.
Bryant - the door-to-door salesmen know his house well. The jeans look pretty good in catalogs, so he’s ordered a few. After a while they get worn out, but salesmen keep coming around. Right now he’s got a fitting pair, but he’s moving soon and might not have room in his suitcase.
Derek - I don’t know all the stories, but I’ve heard he’s been to a lot of stores and ended up not liking them very much. He no longer makes any special effort to shop. Brendan maintains that he actually likes tights.
Jonathan - this frugal picky bastard never buys new clothes. A few times he tried some on but they never seemed to fit quite right. Once he went to a store at 99 Ranch and brought home a good pair of jeans and kept them for a while. But one day he rode a horse, they broke, and now they’re gone. He tried a French store but someone else took the last of his size… he hasn’t shopped since.
Steve - one time he found some jeans he really, really liked. He paid a lot for them, but the dumb bitch cashier left the security tag on. He returned them but lost the receipt so he didn’t get his money back. He ran over a cat on the way home. After a couple repeats or similar disasters, he finally found some jeans that worked out for him, and is probably wearing them right now.

“If it’s meant to be, eventually it’ll happen.”
“It didn’t work out. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
My current belief is that such “meant to be” clichés are bullshit. People fall back on them when they are too lazy, afraid, or indecisive to take control of their own lives. Sure, sometimes it is best to wait and see. But don’t make up excuses or mystical destiny-driven reasons (well... if you happen to believe in destiny, that's just a whole other debate). I’d just like to think that over time we all have and will become more confident and proactive in pursuing our own goals and happiness. Here’s hoping…

-Weds, april 16, 2003

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING UP THE CAT?????? =*(

Sorry for quoting Jon so much, but maybe if you fuckers wrote something more interesting I'd quote you too! JK. stop crying.

As i was reading through the old posts, it would seem that i was a lot better at writing (and more witty) when i was pissed off. Damn. Guess i should piss myself off more often. Fuck this happy shit!

holy shit the sun is coming up. time for bed!

real quick because i dont blog on here anymore.

In response to...

the fate thing. Yes, there is some uncertainty, but usually when you do something, you dont hope for the best, but rather you shoot for a goal. If your actions dont reach that goal, you try again, you stop trying, or you alter the goal so you can achieve it. Fate is just an excuse in my opinion. Yes, there are things you can't control, but it's best to concentrate on the stuff you can. If a bird shits on your car, maybe you shouldn't have parked it under the tree, or in an open space. Maybe you should have parked it in the garage.

I think you always have an element of control, but the more important matter is, why even worry about that?

Yeah i'm probably wrong. Feel free to line up your counter-arguments and i'll ignore them one by one. werd.

In response to...

The lack of motivation thing.

I think you have motivation. Dont tell me you don't. You had motivation the second you started to draw, or the moment you started thinking about what camera angle would look good for this shot or that shot. It takes motivation and dedication to learn the art, and that motivation never dies.

Lets face the facts, you're a very talented individual. You have more skills that you were born with than most people learn in their lifetime. The motivation is there, you just gotta stop making reasons why you can't jump in, and just do it.

Simply put, interest should always feed your motivation. Or rather, interest always DOES feed your motivation.

*i edited this second part to sound less forward. If you would like to hear the unedited version Brendan just let me know next time we chill. LOL.

WARNING: LONG POST. I'M SICK. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO, BUT DEAL WITH THESE THOUGHTS BY WRITING THEM DOWN ON PAPER...EH...TYPE THEM OUT. FEEL FREE TO SKIP OVER THIS CUZ NO ONE READS MY SHIT ANYWAY. HAHA. =)

I find it funny how when I feel like I'm going to blog since Pooky has been neglected for a week, someone else always blogs. I guess we are all on the same creative clock. So now it is time to push Tony's thoughts down the page! =P Again nothing important really here, just some random thoughts...

Musical Notes

I love the Postal Service. Therefore it is mandatory that I like Death Cab for Cutie. I know I'm probably late in liking these guys, but for those who don't know them I think it is worth a download to check them out. Soul Meets Body is their latest hit. They have a unique sound and is a nice break from all that booty shaking shit on the radio and television. Also Kanye is overrated. Thought I'd throw that in there.

Hope and The Aquarium

After working with Steve on his project for school, we got to take a couple of much needed breaks from Maya and creative thinking to sit down and talk. After those couple of nights I realized that it was the first time that Steve and I talked in a while. I told him about how Ricki met up with this guy named Jeff Lufkin and how it is a very small world indeed. I reminded him of the dream I had years ago which I just shared with Tony. I'm not saying it is anything like fate because that would be PSYCHO. But anyway this little story sets up for my next sentence. I told him that I'm not the type of person that believes in fate and he said the same. His reasoning is that he wants to feel in control of his life and that night I thought the same. We then went into a little bit about how hope sets you up for expectations and if these expectations are not met then we are slammed to the ground without our self esteem intact.

After thinking it over I thought I agreed with Steve. However, after thinking things over I think I changed my position on some certain things...

Things good and bad will happen in our lives. Whether it is something as small as a bird shitting on your freshly washed car or as big as someone passing away that was close to you, we will always be faced with decisions that will either affect our lives in the most tiny way or change us for the rest of our lives...or change the life of some stranger we don't even know. I like to think that I am in control of my fate and it is also comforting to me to think that we are all in sole control of our lives...but that isn't life.

Shit will hit the fan. This we are not in control of. What we are in control of is whether we want to wade in our shittles or clean it up and continue to have fun blowing air into the fan so it makes that funny sound.

What the fuck does an aquarium have to do with anything? Well an aquarium reminds me of what exactly I am trying to say. These fish can live their lives however they want in the universe given to them. They can hide under a rock or swim within the plants...but the big picture is that I am the god to their universe. They can't change the conditions they live in unless I do something about it. It is kind of depressing in a way that my fish depend so much on me...and it is also shitty when I let a fish die.

We are all in a fucking huge aquarium. We have control of what we want our lives to reflect, but we do not have TOTAL control ever. We rely on other people sometimes to make decisions for us...whether it be hiring me so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life, or relying to much on my parents...all nuances of not having total control ever.

So none of this is new to you. You knew this already. I just wanted to say to all of you who are in the middle of decisions right now is that you are never in total control of what will happen. Sometimes all you can do is make a decision and hope it all turns out for the best...and that unknown is what makes life worth living don't you think? I think it is about time that all of us embrace that unknown rather than fear it...and I have hope that all of us will turn out fine.

Except for me. I have absolutely no hope for me.

Dual Widescreen Monitors

Thank you Bryant and Jonathan for showing me how awesome dual displays are. Of course you both knew that I always wanted dual displays, but was never in the position of affording them. For those who don't know, I got two dual widescreen 20inch monitors and they are fucking awesome. I was worried about dead pixels and backlighting issues, but so far both of them don't have one dead pixel or any backlighting issues...

Paired with a new graphics card that is way over my budget, but I don't care cuz I deserve one...these monitors rock. Which leads me to my next point...

Creativity Sucks

I probalby posted about this before, but I'm giving you an update...

Throughout my life and also recently I have heard some statements like...

"Man I wish I can draw."
"Dude I wish I could direct movies." (For the record so do I.)
"It must be so cool to _____*."

*Insert make webpages, paint, direct, edit...

Sure this is all cool. I don't think otherwise and am very happy that I can somewhat do all these things...the problem of course is this and those who aren't creative in the traditional sense (I say traditional because EVERYONE is creative whether it is how you handle people or how you deal with certain situations), but I am talking about creativity that manifests itself onto a blank canvas and is considered "art" in the most traditional sense, don't realize the toll that creativity might take on an artist.

I recently told Jonathan how I have been feeling lately because Jonathan who we all know is an awesome artist sometimes wrestles with the fact that he is doing a job that he kind of likes, but on the other hand loves to draw. I am in a deep creative slump right now. And when someone who is relying on his creativity to get him through life has no inspritation or motivation, it makes that person a.k.a. me feel like cutting my wrist with a dull plastic knife...and the only reason why I succeed in killing myself is because all these plastic knives keep breaking and my anger turns into straight determination.

Well we all know that it's not that bad, but it is in fact close to how I feel, except for the actual thinking of killing myself. When you cannot be creative, you tend to group it with self worth. You then start to think of creativity as an almost anti-hero who screws you when you need it most. I cannot force creativity...I'm not an artist that can do that...which brings me to another tangent...

When I went clubbing...YES I went clubbing...there are some photographic evidence of such a momentous occasion...I met...well nevermind. I had to introduce myself to Steve's friends because Steve knows that I will eat new people up if they piss me off...but we got into a conversation and I'm starting to take on Jonathan's sense of conversation. Sometimes he likes to say things that amuse him as almost an inside joke, because as long as he laughs at it, it is good enough for him.

So when I introduced myself to Steve's friends that night, I went into a little rant about how I'm a worthless man who has no talent and is a waste of natural rescources on this planet. Of course I wasn't trying to impress them, but rather see what their reaction would be...(sorry Steve, didn't mean to experiment on your friends) but besides that ass move...Steve said something to the two girls along the lines of this...and I just wanted to let Steve know that I appreciate this comment, because he seemed genuine about it, but he could have just been pulling one of those inside jokes for yourself bits...

"Nah. You know what the problem with this guy is [me] that he has all these talents, but can't concentrate on one...most people in this world have one huge talent and they run with it because that is all they do, but this guy can't make a decision."

That isn't word for word, but it is what I remember hearing...and quite frankly, Steve is dead on the fucking money. I can't make a decision if my life depended on it. So until then I will sit around and hope that some of these projects that Mike and Ari have lined up for Jonathan and I will give me some of that much needed motivation.

It's funny. I hated school because I was around idiots. But the motivation was getting nods from professors about my work. Now I have only me to answer to...and let me tell you...there is nothing worse than working for a boss that has no direction or confidence in his abilities.

In fact I'm going to quit.

Laguna Beach

Oh yeah and real quick...for all you Lauren Conrad lovers out there...I really don't think she can compete with this! Now if Jessica will only do a photoshoot like this...then I will have no reason to watch Laguna Beach anymore!

Should we set up a big Halo game sometime, maybe not this weekend -> next?

Andy
Bryant
Brendan
Tony
Derek
Steve
Jonathan
Aaron (?)
Kevin -> online
Brian -> online
Chris and his friends -> online

I can ask some of Kristin's friends if they want to play...anyone else?

Baseball rosters (14):
Me
Andy
Brendan H
Brian H
Tony
Jonathan
Shannon
Caitlin
Jim
Kirk
Rob
Nevin
Anthony
Derek

Maybes:
John Ho
Ryan
Steve

So this is how bored I am at work:

Team1 Team2 Kirk Jim Tony Andy Rob Anthony Bryant Brendan Derek Mr. H Caitlin Shannon John Ho (maybe) Nevin Steve (maybe) Jonathan Ryan (maybe) Team1 Team2 Kirk Jim Tony Andy Rob Anthony Bryant Brendan Derek Nevin Jonathan Mr. H Caitlin Shannon

What do you guys think?

Softball was fun. I hate the sport, but playing it with friends and a little wood bat is hella fun, i must admit. The food was damn good too.

Laguna Beach is the worst show ever. Worst than real world. However, one has to expect that for three reasons: one, it's on MTV..when was the last time MTV had a quality show? two, it's a reality show...a genre that is well known for having shitty shows. three, it's a show about stuck up rich white girls...so basically it's about a well off minority in america...a show that showcases the rich and fortunate when the majority of americans are barely making enough, and over 40 percent are living in poverty and barely have the necessities to survive. That means no one will give a shit. It's like complaining about the quality of your drinking water while a small child who hasn't had anything to drink in 5 days is staring at you.

I'm downloading the Katamari soundtrack. Why is that music so damn crack-like addicting???

This weekend will be fun. Party and clubbing. Sweet. And Brendan is coming out...crazy!

Life is good. Especially with a beer in your hand.

Bonus Post
Well, I'll bite my toungue for jumping on the racism thing. Apparently, journalism has rules it must follow. The photographer saw the black man loot a store, but they did not see the two caucasian people loot, so they must put down "found." Rules are rules, I guess.

Everyone's entitled to their opinions. Laguna Beach does in fact SUCK SHIT. I actually find it crazy how I hate all other reality game shows, but when it comes to the Real World and pretty much anything on MTV (except Sweet 16...I hate all those bitches.) I can't help but not stop and watch it. So to my defense...

Andy suggested everyone go see Spice World. And they did.

Jonathan likes funk. Who likes that shit?

Reviews so far for EWF/Chicago...people are saying it is one of the best concerts they have ever seen. Apparently they play together at the beginning and the end and then in the middle do their own sets. That is fucking awesome. The mere fact that I'm going to this concert should erase any judgements on my leisurely preferences. Hehe.

Werd.

Katrina: Donations
Just to offer a counter point to what Jon's saying about company's only helping themselves out... I just got an e-mail from CEC saying that they'll do a dollar for dollar match for up to twenty dollars out of your paycheck. I figure what the hell. If my twenty dollars can turn into forty, why not... Even though CEC workers are indeed the lowest of them all :)

That's not to say I wouldn't donate to those other people who are out there, but I'm still at the lower end of the pay spectrum. When I become CEO of Golfland or something, I'll donate another 20 bucks to the red cross or the like.

And in closing, I'd like to give you all a web site that proves racism is still in effect.

It should be noted that The Onion's articles are intended to be humorous, not true. Dave doesn't think we're lame for the reasons stated in the article. Other reasons.


Katrina

Nature can be one mean mother. At times like this when the media decides to really show how bad things are for certain people, my pity and sympathy show up out of nowhere. I think I'll donate to Red Cross.

I often say rich people who live extravagant lives in unnecessary palaces and buy their kids BMWs for their supersweet 16s are selfish. Their money could help less fortunate people who really need help, but instead it's going to decadent excess. And every time I say this I consider how I fit into that picture. My job affords me a few nice things, but generally my purchases have some practical purpose. Anyway, this is one of those chances for me to put my money where my mouth is and those selfish bastards' money isn't.

LM has a help-our-employees fund, but that seems somewhat unfair. Everyone help your own company? "Oh you work at McDonald's? I have great news: donations are pouring in from across the country to help you out. Here's your Kanye West CD and a $5 giftcard to Jamba Juice. Feel better."


Laguna Beach

So TV is so powerful now that you don't even need to offer humor, talent, or knowledge to amass an audience. People will WATCH SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE instead of living their own, just because it's being broadcast, albeit with prettier faces.

What can I say… to each her own.

On the other hand, maybe it's a subtly deep commentary, reminding us that REAL LIFE, UNSCRIPTED, is full of the humor and drama that we seek through artificial means, and that we need simply to get up out of our loungers, step outside and live. Maybe that's the point; it's just that nobody's getting it.


the home

Growing old… sad, perhaps, but better than the alternative. And by alternative I mean creeping everyone out like Cher.

I'm not familiar with retirement homes, other than what I've seen in TV and movies. Are they really that bad? What's the better way to grow old, to be in your own house with your spouse? Or by yourself--I'm not sure which is worse at that point.

Maybe the old people care home is less like being sentenced to prison and more like a glorious return to the dorm life. You meet a lot of people your age, stay up late drinking and ordering pizza and cheesesticks, wrestle in the hallways, drop fruit from the top floor, experiment sexually, all that goodness. Then again, maybe not.

I expect when I get old something like Batteries Not Included will keep me entertained. So the best is yet to come...

Pardon this random post. Thoughts just shooting off.

Fuck Kanye. It's all about this new DJ krush and toshinori kondo. Sick ass beats mixed with some chill melodies brought to you by kondo's chill trumpet. You'd have to hear it to see what I mean.

I'm tired so I'm going to make some quick points then go to bed. I would elaborate on most of these seeing how I love to talk about myself, but I thought I would be wasting your time in doing so. It's been a long time since I've blogged so here goes nothing...

After some crazy beats at 3-6 at Garden, I think I've realized that 3-6 or even 4-8 is now considered pleasure poker. I always wanted callers against me, but now with so much raising and so much chasing, it is hard for me to think that I can turn a decent profit at these games. Of course that means my game is lacking. Nonetheless I have sat down at 5-10 online. The very thought that I can lose 120.00 in one hand actually makes me a little happy. It's been a while since I've felt a little hurt losing money. I think this gives me more motivation to never feel this way again. The first session I lost 130.00 in half an hour. Today I won 82.00 in 20 minutes. Fuck the money. After today I feel more confident. Of course confidence doesn't lead to wins...but it sure doesn't hurt.

Went into a home for old people when I went to go see my mom's uncle and aunt. I hate that place. My cousin Cris turned to me and said, "I hope I don't ever grow old like this..." When Stitch is 25 and in the prime of his life I'll be 50. Granted I make it that long.

My sister got into an accident on the way home from Fresno. Now sure I'm mean to her and sure she hates my guts, but hopefully she knows that I show my feelings in fucked up ways sometimes...this time I told her again that if she needs some help financially she can always feel free to come to me. I hope she takes that as she can come to me for anything...even though I'm an ass.

Disneyland sounds fucking awesome. EWF and Chicago sounds fucking awesome. Baseball on Labor day sounds fucking awesome. Weezer and Foo Fighters sounds fucking awesome. Kanye sounds like a bitch.

I bought Vol. 1 and 2 of Harrington's book. He brings up some very cool points...Jonathan just beat Tony at our most recent tournament. I have the most wins, but Jonathan is one behind. Soon he'll take his rightful place at the top even though he doesn't care about his standings. Hopefully Harrington's book will give me an added edge.

Steve's friend's brother passed away. It made me think what I would do if I found out I only have weeks to live. I honestly think I would use all my psychological calmness I use at cards and accept my fate. I would spend the rest of my days making sure that those around me understand that I am okay with what is going on...I would thank them for everything they have done for me and I would let them know that I was proud to be their family/friend. Werd.

So far three of my fish died. No big deal to some of you but nonetheless they are pets and I did get used to seeing them. Namu Amida Butsu in the hizouse.

I've been fishing three times now. So far I have slid down 3 hills and brushed up against poison oak. I haven't caught shit. I've had one bite and somehow hooked a fucking minnow...and that shit got away. It's very depressing really, but I'm really drawn to it.

Tony has to watch classic films for his class. Now perhaps he'll join me and Derek in the pleasure of watching shit that is outdated...when the times were more innocent and where all the cliches of film began.

I started writing my Samurai treatment. It really focuses on a brother/sister relationship. Ricki will be proud to hear that I'm sure. I wish I could tell you more, but I'm a shitty writer and no one will ever see it. Except for Jonathan because out of boredom I told him about it already. Hah.

Laguna Beach. Sure you can say that I've jumped on the bandwagon, but I can assure you this isn't true. I can tell you everything that happened last season. I'll just never admit it and even laughed at Kevin for watching it. Quick rundown of what I think of the cast...

Kristin Cavalleri- Okay so she talks funny. Like Ricki says..."Steeeeee-phan" Would I pick her over LC? I doubt it, but in the last episode I did like how she seemed to be there for Jessica. It showed her in a different light. That and her..."Come here Talan! Goochie coochie gooo goo". You'd have to see the episode to know what I'm spitt'n about.

Lauren Conrad - This one is too cute for her own good. She can't get past Stephen and I like the fact that she can't get passed him. Makes the show good.

Jessica Smith - I like her. Something about her (besides being jailbait) makes me tingly inside. Haha! She's an idiot and I like that. I guess she is cute because she is ignorant actually.

Jason - Anyone that can say, "because you're fucking annoying", "I'm tired of your shit" "You're fucking annoying" over and over again and still be in the relationship has something going for him. I'm gonna grow out my beard to see if that's what it is. Haha!

The rest of the bitches can be killed off for all I care. But it makes more some good television...well...at least entertaining for my simple mind.

Steve introduced all of us to Mel. After she left I realize I don't even fucking try anymore to make a good first impression. I was racist and said some insensitive things. So that means she either respects the fact that I'm being myself or she thinks I'm an asshole and all the company Steve keeps up here are assholes. Either way she was cool and her taking Tony's money made my night. (Yeah I know you caught your 7 outer you fag...you still have to get lucky to beat me...heh)

Saw a Giants game and got to hang out with Bryant, Shan and Julie. So far the Giants are 1.000 win percentage when I am in the stands. They should pay me to be at all the games so they can have the perfect season (at home anyway). Awesome time.

Ate at Dicicco's with Jonathan. We are so fucking bland that when we got up to go to the salad bar, they fucking cleared our table of our bread, dipping sauce and all our plates and utensils. Are we so fucking boring that we don't even stand out in civilization anymore? Had a very cool conversation with Jonathan. Its nice to know that even though he is in a stable job he is always looking to better his life. Not necessarily financially, but creatively. That's admirable and I wish I had that drive. Shall we go to Nihon? Fuck it. I'd just cramp your style.

I'm going on one hour of sleep. Time to go to work at the Jew shop then come home and try my hand at 5-10 again. I need to pay my parents back some money and I owe Jonathan about 400.00 for the EWF tickets.

I agree with Andy that it's probably the best idea. You gotta take some pressure off the kid. He's 20, 1st pick overall, plays a position with the most exposure, and is probably one of the highest paid players on the team. Also you have to follow in the foot steps of Montana, Young, and to some degree Garcia. That's tough for a Rookie to come in and do.

Alex Smith has looked pretty ugly so far, but you can tell the potential is there. It just takes some time for a person to adjust and you gotta be patient.

If say the 49ers got Culpepper and he looked that bad, I would say it's ok to complain and yell at the TV, but you can't hate on a guy for at least a couple seasons.

Go niners, I say they will go 6 - 10, 8 - 8 @ best.

For all you Smith haters (though it's preseason and his first year)

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2141244

This should make you happy. =)

Vegas from August 15 - Sept something is 160 bucks for two nights and air (excalibur). You have to leave on a Monday or Tuesday, but i figure some vacation is worth it.

Again, the average price to Vegas is over 200 dollars for FLIGHT ALONE.

So even if i can't go, please go. That is an INSANE deal. INSANE, I say.

Ok so two posts in a row...crazy...but I also remember last time we rode to the Giants game we asked about our top 10 songs. I went through my playlists, my CDs and came up with this....

10. New Edition - I'm Still in Love With You - This was one of my favorites from high school and it's been able to stay atop as one of my favorite R&B/Love songs.
9. Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling - it was a tough choice between this song and Unchained Melody, but this song has a lot of nostalgic value to it.
8. Boyz II Men - In the Still of the Night - Old school song done better by a newer group. This song has a lot of nostalgic value to it as well. Simple yet powerful.
7. Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby - This is one of my favorite songs and it took me some time to figure out where this really should be. Anytime I'm feeling down, I listen to this song to cheer me up.
6. Jon B. - Someone to Love - Bad Boys soundtrack, slow dances in school, this reminds me of what I want to hear from R&B songs. Too many songs these days are going to hip-hop influences where beats and bitches are more important then vocals and lyrics.
5. Bush - Glycerine - A little alternative flavor, but this is a song I always love belting when driving in my car. It reminds me a lot of car rides taken and road trips made where this song came up.
4. Live - Lightning Crashes - A sad song, but somehow it has a calming sense to it. I like it towards the end when it has a very climatic feel to the song. Another song from back in the day that I used to sing along with all the time.
3. Boyz II Men - End of the Road - I didn't think that 2 of these songs would make my top 10, but this is another song that reminds me of the type of R&B I like. This is more special because it's a group that harmonizes so well together and each one knows their role. When Wanya is belting out tunes at the end, it's just makes you realize just how talented people are.
2. Ben E. King - Stand By Me - Old school song, great message, simple lyrics. I love it.
1. Jodeci - Lately - This was a tough one to choose, but I just remember the good times Derek and I use to have singing this around the place in high school. All is needed is a little piano in the background and Kci and Jojo just let their souls take control.

I know a lot of these songs are favorites because of nostalgic reasons, but those are the best types of songs to remember. Songs that spark memories will be the ones we remember for the rest of our lives.

Runner ups - Counting Crows - Mr. Jones, Kci-Jojo - All My Life, DMB - Crash, Bon Jovi - Livin' on a Prayer, Yaz - Only You, 112 - Nowhere, Michelle Branch - One of These Days, The Temptations - My Girl, Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody

This was a tough list, I'm sure if you asked me the same question in 2 weeks this list would change depending on my mood. =)

Brendan, I've said it once and I'll say it again, you're one of the few friends I don't ever really worry about when it comes to you succeeding in life. You may not have the motivation now, but it will come. One day you will ask yourself that question of when you're going to be fed up and you'll take action. Keep sleeping on it. =)

As for me and I'm sure with others there is a huge amount of routine in my life. My typical weekday goes like this:

-Wake up @ 7am or 8am depending on when I have a meeting.
-Get to the office at 8 or 9 and call into a meeting and check email for about an hour.
-Web surf for another hour while I'm responding back to emails. Check ESPN, email, blogs, gamespot, foxsports, some web comics, and now myspace.
-Maybe do something productive for an hour. It's either a meeting or I'm talking online w/ a bunch o' work people to get their ish done.
-Lunch by myself because I don't know that many people and I am not comfortable enough to eat lunch with most. This means grabbing something and coming back to my office and surfing the web some more.
-Web surf while my food settles.
-Usually in another meeting @ 2.
- Chat online, write emails, and wrap my day up by about 5-6 ish.
-Go to the gym.
-Eat dinner and watch a Giants game until about 10pm.
-Come online - talk to nobody on AIM but sign on anyway, listen to music, read the same sites as above.
-Go to bed by midnight. Repeat Sunday night - Thursday.

So far this is two years and still running. Next thing I know this will be 40 years from now and I'll still be doing the same shit. Thank god for the weekends where I can break the monotony for at least a couple days. I hope we keep playing football, basketball, or whatever the next sport so that I have something ultimately to look forward to. I realized the weekends can be spent in any number of ways to BBQing, clubbing, going to Monterey, lounging, doing chores, poker, videogames, etc. It sucks that during the week I don't really have this luxury because I am too damn tired.

And the fun parts in between all the chaos I think about what I've lost and how I'm supposed to move on. My thoughts are a lot of "I really hate myself for feeling this way." I can't stand it and I don't think I've ever been more frustrated at myself. I hope everyone knows that I am trying to move on. I hope no one feels that I'm crying about my problems constantly and not wanting to better myself or improve my situation (this is coincidence to your blog Brendan haha). This has become a bigger challenge then I could ever imagine, but I know I will pull through. Bear with me and be patient. I just want everyone to know I am trying my best, but I may need a vent session just to get my frustrations out.

We all deal with problems/issues differently and I'm trying to be proactive in conquering mine. Parts of me think I'm forcing things and not letting things happen naturally, but I refuse to accept that I can't try and get out of my funk.

Sorry I didn't mean to post that last part, but just came out naturally. I think there are things that I want to put on my blog, but I know she reads it. Even though I shouldn't care, I don't want her to see me in a weak state.

No more weddings for me for a while, that shit made these things crawl back in mind. haha.

As for great memories that always seem to make me smile:
-College graduation - who could ask for any better day then being able to stand tall with my best friends at graduation.
-High school graduation - walking w/ Brendan, felt like we went full circle.
-Playing football at Payne School (elementary -> middle school -> some high school -> now)
-Playing Hockey at Payne everyday during the summers. I never felt so confident in my ability at a sport. The first time I ever felt like I could succeed.
-Playing Track n Field at my house and Eric crying because the other dudes were cheating.
-Playing Tecmo Bowl every chance I could against friends.
-Playing NHL against Brendan online and Andy calling Mr. H a bitch without knowing it.
-Pink Taco, Casper, Maniac Cop, Sushi Boy, Flaming Bovine playing Duke Nuke Em everyday.
-Singing in the car in high school.
-Proms, dances -> my form of sad, pathetic dating in high school haha.
-The "no pants" night, "kent's naked", gay movie title game, breakfast burritos, "Rob Lowe" night
-Obons - Fuji -> giving out rings -> andy's hamburger story -> andy hittin on old ladies -> "you got it" -> and now Bingo and Batman.
-Jonathan's 22nd -> Jillians -> cleaning shoes -> head hitting window -> video tape -> Pho -> fingers that don't move.
-Old Navy and getting that coupon from the old lady in front of me and brendan and I putting on a show for the cashier.

We have lots o' stories and memories, hopefully they don't stop......

Yo. I think I've always been more mentally mature than my age. I think what I'm going through right now is a mid-life crisis! Haha!

Sleep. Sleep makes me lazy. Sleep makes my life boring. I do it soooooo much. It's not my fault really, but rather the universe of bagels and cards. Once again I know that my opinion is mute compared to you working stiffs. I ain't complaining, just telling you what you might have to deal with if you ever worked at a bagel shop and liked poker too much...Everyone of you might think I like to sleep and I like being lazy. Well since we are on the topic of sleep, let me show you what sleep means to me.

Scenario A

I get up at 5:00 am to go to work. Unfortunately I just got to bed at around 2:00 in the morning watching dumb shit on television. The cool thing is that I get out of there at 1:00 pm and my whole day is free. While I drive down Hamilton I seriously think of all the things I could do today. I think of stuff like organizing all the DVD's that haven't been transfered to the logic, I could go to Garden City and play for a good 4-6 hours, I could paint something on my computer, find my sidedrawer for my room so I can get a new fish tank, work on Ricki's business card...and when I get home my room is hot and stuffy...and I take off my shoes that have been stabbing into my feet like needles and I sit down on my bed that wasn't made yet because I had to wake up too early. Next thing I know I am waking up at around 7:00 pm wondering if anyone wants to go get Miyagi's burgers. then the thought of having to work at 5:00 am the next morning goes through my head. Another wasted day. If I'm off the next day then skip down to Scenario B2.

Scenario B

I get to sleep in! I am closing today and that means I get up at around 9-10 depending on when I work. I'm usually refreshed since it seems I can at least work a full shift at Noahs on 3 hours of sleep. I close the store and get out of there at around 5:30 pm. Wow. Again I have the whole night to do something and I'm not that tired! Until I go home. Again my bed is inviting me to take a little nap. However, I finally take a stand and decide I'm going to do something tonight! I think maybe I'll go to Bay 101 (I like that place better than Garden at night...I dunno, personal preference I guess.), maybe I'll start coding MA.com ver. 2.0., yada yada. While sitting on my bed I realize that I'm a lot more tired than I thought and it took the feathery blanket's persuasion to realize it. Now one of two things can happen...

Scenario B1

I have to work again tomorrow morning at 5:00 am. The thought of dealing with those fucking customers (who aren't even that fucking bad) get to my head and I lose all motivation to do anything. I mean what's the fucking point? I'm just gonna have to wake up hella early anyway. This takes us back to Scenario A.

Scenario B2

I have the day off tomorrow. Fuck yeah. I'm tired of bagels and that shop already and I haven't even been back for 5 days. I'm tired but I'm feeling good that I can stay up tonight and have the whole day tomorrow to do whatever I want! So instead of being a strong willed person I think to myself, "Man, I can go to bed now and wake up early tomorrow morning and go to Bay, work on Ricki's card, paint something..." Slowly this drifts me off to my dreams where the workstation humming and fan rotating invite my inner thoughts to haunt me. This takes us to Scenario C.

Scenario C

The fan is blowing a steady stream of air into my face. My eyes are slightly dry and I have no motivation of turning it off. The room is stuffy and I have nothing to do but think. I think how the very smell of a bagel eats away my insides. Every time I hear, "Do you have lox and cream cheese?" makes me realize that my life is filled with nothing but false hope of doing something better with my life. The sound of the cashier register opening makes me realize that I am stuck in a job that I hate and it is the realization that I am doing nothing to better my situation that ultimately makes me sick. I feel that I am a loser that has no talent whatsoever. If I was such a good cardplayer why am I working at Noahs where the schedule prevents me from going to the cardroom. (That and my low energy level) If I was such a talented director why am I not making anything? Fuck it. For that matter if I say I love it so much why am I not writing anything to direct? Why am I not making contacts in the real world? All my insecurities slowly cover me as if it were in quicksand. I then drift off to sleep where I welcome a new day where perhaps someone will hand success to me.

Of course I know this won't happen. Right before I go to sleep I ask myself, "Brendan, how long is it going to take before you are fed up?" In fact I then ask the question, "Why do I need to be fed up to make something of my life?" I then think of all the people that I was frustrated with because they didn't do anything about their personal situations when it was bugging them. I apologize to them in my head and realize that I am sick of myself because I am doing the same thing. Why am I doing the same thing? I decide I'll answer it tomorrow and drift off to a happier place.

What a retarded post. Haha!