Since I am the foremost authority on video games (don't argue with me Andy...you know I'm right) I will give the best top ten character list EVER created by any man. While this isn't true, it sure does seem like it...because I am that awesome. Here it goes...if you disagree with any of them...you are entitled to your own opinion...even if it is gay. I did top 12 because I'm that damn good.
11. Sonic the Hedgehog. While some people didn't like these games...they probably didn't play Sonic and Knuckles and/or Sonic CD. Both of these games were some of the most fun platform games I have ever played. On top of that...without Sonic and his bullshit blast processing scam, SEGA wouldn't have become a stable in the video game community. However it seems that stable has been reduced to one of those small, teeny, weeny paper clips that couldn't hold two post it notes together. Anyone remember Sonic Pinball? Still the best pinball game ever made.
10. Soldier from DoomII. Okay so I could have been proper and awarded this spot to B.J. Blazkowicz from Wolfenstein 3D but it was DoomII that solidified first person shooters as a legit genre. Shit I couldn't have given this title to Duke Nukem who I spent more time with than the soldier from Doom, but bottom line you have to respect the roots and this game singlehandedly kept those pimpled face nerds from ever coming out of their houses and procreating with someone else...including myself.
9. Samus Aran. I wish this intergalactic fox could be higher on my list, but the fact of the matter is that you couldn't play without her suit except in the first Metroid. As much as looking at a bikini clad babe with only a four color pallete and square boobs was intoxicating...I think I would have liked to see her in a nice makeover on the Gamecube. Overall though, Metroid was one of the hardest games I have ever played and I am proud to say I finished it. If Metroid Prime II is top notch...Samus will be bumped up a few spots. Speaking of video game babes...
8. Jill Valentine. Interesting that she is in the same exact spot as Tony's list. That was not done on purpose mind you, but let's face it. Resident Evil series. The only reason why Derek hangs out with a heretic like me. Without Resident Evil there wouldn't be survival horror games (No...Shadowgate does not fucking count) and Derek and I would only have God in common. Miss Valentine in Nemesis...was...well fine as hell. And she was a smart ass. And she could shoot the heads of zombies (only when I controlled her...Derek on the other hand would get eaten up and use one of our precious herbs). I would like to recommend that Jill gets into skimpier clothes so she can run away faster...and if not then Tryant will take her spot because he runs around naked.
7. Cloud Strife. FFVII. Is this game overrated? You bet your ass. Was it good though? You bet your ass. This game was good. I give Kylie a hardtime for liking it so much..."what's that Kylie? I can't understand you with Cloud's cock in your mouth..." but the reason why Cloud makes it on this list is because he was one of the first characters with a darkside to him in any RPG. (One could argue that FFIII for the SNES had dark characters...while this is true...they weren't developed as well.) Without Cloud we wouldn't have our typical anime type heroes for all Square games to come...while this is a good thing and a bad thing...Cloud nevetheless deserves a spot on this list.
6. Simon Belmont. Okay so why not Trevor? Why not Alucard from Symphony of the Night. Simon started it all and had the most success in killing off the Count. The first Castlevania was just about impossible to finish and the sequel, Simon's Quest was so good that my mom played that game. Holy Water, flame whips, boomerangs...this guy could do it all. Castlevania still needs a remake that will truly do it justice, but if they keep trying and never forget that it was the exploring...the vast enemies, the central character himself...they can't fail...even though it seems they kind of already have.
5. Leisure Suit Larry. The king of Sierra games. The king of all PC games. Even Call of Duty. Even Tapper. Larry was awesome. The way he thought...the way he acted...and the beauty part about that is that he acted just how you wanted him too. This was an adventure game that was shown in beautiful EGA graphics and you had to type in what you had to do. "Knock on door" "Buy a drink" "Sit on stool" "Stare at tits" "Touch her tits" "Put on condom" I know Andy and Bryant remember the first one. "Hey this freak wants to buy a SPEARMINT FLAVORED, POLKA DOTTED, RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE, LUBRICATED CONDOM!!" Or how about the sequel..."FUCK THAT...YOU DON'T NEED A GROTESQUE GULP...GOD DAMNIT IT...RESTORE...sigh....20 hours later....SHIT...WHAT AIRSICK BAG...FUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK!!!!" Even the latest installment where Larry was cartoony...and we got to hear his voice for the first time. Memorable...and I will never forget the frustration and the rewards of playing "Larry, Larry Laffer..hehe".
4. Ryu. So if I had to choose a SFII character I would have to pick Ryu. He symbolizes everything that made Street Fighter II. Classic fireball movement...the shouryuken that no can pronounce...for all you crackers out there...I mean the allyoucan. Or his high flying spectacle, "kyapyapyapyakyukya" thing. Either way someone from Street Fighter had to go on this list for what it did to the gaming world. Every single fighter that comes out will always be measured up to how it changes the genre just as SFII did. If your pissed I chose Ryu over your favorite character, then insert favorite character after number 3.
3. Megaman. I don't necesarily mean MegamanX or Megaman without the helmet, but I'm talking about the original blue bomber. The original Rockman. Okay so it took awhile for Megaman to catch on here in the states. The reason why is because the awesome Capcom artists (and I do mean awesome in a non sarcastic way...they are top fucking notch) had too much sake one night and decided to fuck up the Megaman cover for the NES. If you don't remember what it looked like...basically it had a realistic looking guy that was properly proportioned with a shitty excuse for a Tron suit on the cover. I think he was dodging discs or something...I have no fucking clue...all I remember was that the cover was stupid and I passed it up for something shitty...probably Spelunker. Either way I first got into Megaman with the sequel and then bought the first one. He literally defined the platform shooting, item upgrade game. Oh yeah and I'm not talking about the lame ass crumbs Megaman from Captain N.
2. Link. The first game to introduce a battery in the game cartridge that would keep your data even after you turned off the system. Forgive the shitty marketing on Nintendo's part. I know you remember that commercial..."ZELDA!!!" "ZELDA!!!" Meanwhile she isn't coming out because she doesn't want to be rescued by some white fuck with a mullet in black tights and a tight black shirt. Aside from the commercial (which will play on our television screens in the video game store for nostalgia) Link is badass because he is a small guy with big intentions...fucking up Ganon every single time he decides he wants to rise again. With the Master Sword and his trusty Ocarina...he is unstoppable. Quick quiz...if you know it..answer it on your next blog...this person was the first person that told Link he had to go rescue Zelda...it was his destiny. No it was not the fucking old man, "it's dangerous out there...take this..." Cue item grabbing jingle. "Thanks for the wooden sword you dirty old bitch. What the fuck am I going to do with a wooden fucking sword. (I beat Zelda with the wooden sword.)
1. Tony got it right. If he or anyone else does not put Mario up on top...you are idiotic garnished with retard. In fact maybe you are a retard pretending to be Canadian for Halloween...either way Mario is the icon of video games. If videogame was a legit church...Mario would be God. I could go into why Mario is dope ass...but he started out as a LCD watch game and got his big break with Donkey Kong. The rest as they say is history. Shit I guess Mario could also be replaced with Shigeru Miyamoto. If you don't know who he is either...well we got your termination papers for Pooky on your way out. Hehe.
0. The fuck from Spelunker. Tony laughed at me one time when I threw down the controller after getting hit by three green shells and one red shell followed by lightning bolted in Mario Kart: DD. I told him that I wasn't always like that...until I met the fuck from Spelunker. If you don't know the story with Spelunker...you probably don't know me, but in a nutshell...he is the reason and cause for all my frustration and stress. To this day I am trying to cope with the demons of the past. Some people get felt up by God's workers. Some kids get beat. I get fucking Spelunkered. Until the day I die I will always try to please the Spelunking gods. "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I FALL 6 FUCKING INCHES YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. FUCK BORDERBUND. I HOPE THEY WENT OUT OF BUSINESS FOR THEIR SHIT. FUCK THEM AND FUCK THEM AND FUCK THEM AND FUCK THEM UP THEIR SPELUNKING ASSES...
ahem...
So there is my list. Take what you want from it because it is the list to beat. By the way on a quicknote...Dawn of the Dead was a cool film that doesn't take itself too seriously. If you got nothing else to do and don't want to be caught thinking in a movie theatre...this is the film for you. I think it is what Resident Evil should have been (well with the addition of Tryant or Nemesis).
Mar 19, 2004
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