Oct 8, 2005
Oct 7, 2005
So I'm off to LA, but before I go...
Hope your party goes good. I'm kinda bummed that you couldn't just wait one more week...haha! Anyway have a kick ass time and I'll talk to you guys soon...unless the LA fires eat me up and sends me back to the place from which I spawned.
I'm off to Disneyland where I'll get two things accomplished. See what is different from the last time I have went (which has been too long) to see if I can plan our trip better (email coming soon) and also to return to the place that pretty much started my inspiration in art. People wonder why I like Disneyland so much...sure it might be old, not for the older crowd, but the bottom line is that without Disneyland and Disney in general, I'm not sure if I would be on the creative tip. (Or lack thereof as of late)
Also for Andy who asks for things then bitches about it later. Funny how he can read 200 pages of Grand Theft Auto Strategy guide, but can't read the dramatic shit going on in my life! Haha! So here we go...my theme park...one of two projects in the works. These first screens are from my Disneyland in RollerCoasterTycoon 3. Enjoy Captain...because when I got back I got another smokin' picture of Kristin. =P
Hope your party goes good. I'm kinda bummed that you couldn't just wait one more week...haha! Anyway have a kick ass time and I'll talk to you guys soon...unless the LA fires eat me up and sends me back to the place from which I spawned.
I'm off to Disneyland where I'll get two things accomplished. See what is different from the last time I have went (which has been too long) to see if I can plan our trip better (email coming soon) and also to return to the place that pretty much started my inspiration in art. People wonder why I like Disneyland so much...sure it might be old, not for the older crowd, but the bottom line is that without Disneyland and Disney in general, I'm not sure if I would be on the creative tip. (Or lack thereof as of late)
Also for Andy who asks for things then bitches about it later. Funny how he can read 200 pages of Grand Theft Auto Strategy guide, but can't read the dramatic shit going on in my life! Haha! So here we go...my theme park...one of two projects in the works. These first screens are from my Disneyland in RollerCoasterTycoon 3. Enjoy Captain...because when I got back I got another smokin' picture of Kristin. =P
Oct 4, 2005
So I hadn't heard from anyone really about the Halo game, but we should really set one up.
Girls
I think I was in a very similar situation as Tony in terms of where I used to be. From 6th grade until Senior year of high school, I would say most of my really good friends/people I talked with a lot were girls. I don't know what happened in college, but I guess I found the closest thing which was Kevin.
Right now, I think I'm relatively friendly to any new person that I meet regardless of whether it's a boy or girl. For the most part, I like meeting new people, but as it stands right now, I barely see my good friends M - F, so taking the effort to get to know someone new is almost out of the question.
I think I essentially have the same outlook as Tony except I'm a little more political about it. Some jest that my most friendliest award in high school was a sham, which could be true, but the outside world never has to know who I really am! Essentially the differences with the situations below, I would most likely listen to the girl that was having problems even though I wouldn't necessarily want to, I wouldn't flip a girl that slapped me, and I wouldn't toss two girls around like rag dolls. The cool difference between me and Tony is that he has the balls to do something like that.
I hope this didn't start because Steve said he would fear introducing you to a girl more then any of us. haha
Brendan was always my first fear because I know the human psyche is kind of a game to him, so he just wants new people to play with. Unfortunately for me, my girls were always the pawns of his evil destruction. =)
I think a girl meeting us all together is the best way for them to find out if they want to stick around. We all have an interesting dynamic with each other - we can be offensive, sarcastic, rude when we're together. But once a person understands it's all in good fun and we're just that comfortable around each other, the sky's the limit. Imagine being in front of a girl while Brendan and Kevin are talking about playing with each other magic balls...if she sticks around, she's a keeper. haha or has some weird fetish....
Hope and Fate
You guys can call it bullshit, but I believe there is a reason for a lot of things that occur in our world that can't be explained. I like to think I have control of my life, but sometimes things happen so coincidentally that it just makes you wonder. Sometimes I think, what really drove me to choose this direction, was I meant to choose this route?
You can disregard this and call me crazy since I think more about random things and panic more then any of you combined minus Steve. =)
But seriously, there have been a lot of decisions that I've made, some good, some bad, but sometimes I just get that feeling inside that I was supposed to choose a path for a reason. Especially with all the pain I was in and have been in through out the years, those emotions were uncontrollable. All the hard work you do, all the pain you go through, all the trials that we go through in life have to be for some reason beyond just plain ol' happiness, right? haha
Why do I feel like there has to be a reason for it? Dunno, but perhaps I'll find out one day what all the pain I went through was for...
Motivation
What drives any of us to where we are today?
Sometimes I wonder what if I didn't hooked up at IBM? Where would I be? I made absolutely no effort to find another job once I found out I had IBM. Was I curious about what other opportunities were out there? Sure, but it wasn't enough to drive me away from the "easy" route.
Reading Brendan's post, I kind of wonder if I would be in the same rut if I had no idea where I want to go (granted I don't have his "talents" and "skills"), but I wonder if I would feel just as lost.
This kind of goes with the above about Fate, though I don't LOVE my job, I tolerate it and I tend to like it about 90% of the time. Some people were meant to have a desk job and I think I was definitely one of them.
So the creative juices ain't flowin' yet huh? My advice to someone is kind of a cliche. Go to a beach, watch a sunset, go to the top of a hill and watch the city at night, take a hike, go camping, go to Monterey again, go travel somewhere where you may get inspired. The things I described are everyday things in my life that I find beautiful and if I ever felt uninspired I would think about doing such things. Go see the beauty that life provides and hopefully something sparks in your head where you can put something down on paper. I don't know how your creativity worked before, if it does work by staying at home watching movies, playing videogames, etc. then keep at it. I understand creativity just doesn't grow on trees and takes some time.
Just know, I wouldn't worry about it. I think you know that all of us believe in you and for the most part, I think you know that we don't really worry about you in the sense that we all know that you'll be successful at whatever you do.
Am I still the house that gets the door to door salesmen? If so, that is awesome!
Girls
I think I was in a very similar situation as Tony in terms of where I used to be. From 6th grade until Senior year of high school, I would say most of my really good friends/people I talked with a lot were girls. I don't know what happened in college, but I guess I found the closest thing which was Kevin.
Right now, I think I'm relatively friendly to any new person that I meet regardless of whether it's a boy or girl. For the most part, I like meeting new people, but as it stands right now, I barely see my good friends M - F, so taking the effort to get to know someone new is almost out of the question.
I think I essentially have the same outlook as Tony except I'm a little more political about it. Some jest that my most friendliest award in high school was a sham, which could be true, but the outside world never has to know who I really am! Essentially the differences with the situations below, I would most likely listen to the girl that was having problems even though I wouldn't necessarily want to, I wouldn't flip a girl that slapped me, and I wouldn't toss two girls around like rag dolls. The cool difference between me and Tony is that he has the balls to do something like that.
I hope this didn't start because Steve said he would fear introducing you to a girl more then any of us. haha
Brendan was always my first fear because I know the human psyche is kind of a game to him, so he just wants new people to play with. Unfortunately for me, my girls were always the pawns of his evil destruction. =)
I think a girl meeting us all together is the best way for them to find out if they want to stick around. We all have an interesting dynamic with each other - we can be offensive, sarcastic, rude when we're together. But once a person understands it's all in good fun and we're just that comfortable around each other, the sky's the limit. Imagine being in front of a girl while Brendan and Kevin are talking about playing with each other magic balls...if she sticks around, she's a keeper. haha or has some weird fetish....
Hope and Fate
You guys can call it bullshit, but I believe there is a reason for a lot of things that occur in our world that can't be explained. I like to think I have control of my life, but sometimes things happen so coincidentally that it just makes you wonder. Sometimes I think, what really drove me to choose this direction, was I meant to choose this route?
You can disregard this and call me crazy since I think more about random things and panic more then any of you combined minus Steve. =)
But seriously, there have been a lot of decisions that I've made, some good, some bad, but sometimes I just get that feeling inside that I was supposed to choose a path for a reason. Especially with all the pain I was in and have been in through out the years, those emotions were uncontrollable. All the hard work you do, all the pain you go through, all the trials that we go through in life have to be for some reason beyond just plain ol' happiness, right? haha
Why do I feel like there has to be a reason for it? Dunno, but perhaps I'll find out one day what all the pain I went through was for...
Motivation
What drives any of us to where we are today?
Sometimes I wonder what if I didn't hooked up at IBM? Where would I be? I made absolutely no effort to find another job once I found out I had IBM. Was I curious about what other opportunities were out there? Sure, but it wasn't enough to drive me away from the "easy" route.
Reading Brendan's post, I kind of wonder if I would be in the same rut if I had no idea where I want to go (granted I don't have his "talents" and "skills"), but I wonder if I would feel just as lost.
This kind of goes with the above about Fate, though I don't LOVE my job, I tolerate it and I tend to like it about 90% of the time. Some people were meant to have a desk job and I think I was definitely one of them.
So the creative juices ain't flowin' yet huh? My advice to someone is kind of a cliche. Go to a beach, watch a sunset, go to the top of a hill and watch the city at night, take a hike, go camping, go to Monterey again, go travel somewhere where you may get inspired. The things I described are everyday things in my life that I find beautiful and if I ever felt uninspired I would think about doing such things. Go see the beauty that life provides and hopefully something sparks in your head where you can put something down on paper. I don't know how your creativity worked before, if it does work by staying at home watching movies, playing videogames, etc. then keep at it. I understand creativity just doesn't grow on trees and takes some time.
Just know, I wouldn't worry about it. I think you know that all of us believe in you and for the most part, I think you know that we don't really worry about you in the sense that we all know that you'll be successful at whatever you do.
Am I still the house that gets the door to door salesmen? If so, that is awesome!
btw, i was looking at old posts, when i used to post more often on here, i found this hilarious...
so i posted in one of my posts:
" And all the critics that said that "Full Circle" sucked or was the biggest disappoint ever can suck my dick." -Monday, March 3 2003
and in the following post, Jon said:
"Full Circle sucked and was the biggest disappointment ever. Now let’s have at that dick."
-Tuesday, March 4 2003
Here's another thing Jon wrote about me. This was after i went off on after brendan told us about the Tomo's drama, and i said that i would kick anyone's ass who fucks with my friends. This is Jon's follow up to that post (I seriously laughed out loud at the part about "the sixth sense":
"Steve, it’s nice to see how violently loyal you are to your friends. I’ve gotta warn whoever’s out there even thinking about doing something to piss this guy off. He may seem happy now, what with a girl and APhiO, but he’s got years of rage in reserves… he can just imagine me not holding cookies or some other petty kid shiet, and BAM part of your face is missing and the sixth sense is two beyond what you’ve got. Kids will be reading about it in history books: The Trail of Ears, from San Diego to Fresno. And those kids will be crying." -Friday, March 14 2003
okay okay one more!!! This one is long. i'm only posting the whole thing so you guys dont have to click back. Anyways, read this analogy made Jon made about girls and jeans, and he also mentioned something abour fate, destiny at the end, for more relevent goodness:
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING UP THE CAT?????? =*(
Sorry for quoting Jon so much, but maybe if you fuckers wrote something more interesting I'd quote you too! JK. stop crying.
As i was reading through the old posts, it would seem that i was a lot better at writing (and more witty) when i was pissed off. Damn. Guess i should piss myself off more often. Fuck this happy shit!
holy shit the sun is coming up. time for bed!
so i posted in one of my posts:
" And all the critics that said that "Full Circle" sucked or was the biggest disappoint ever can suck my dick." -Monday, March 3 2003
and in the following post, Jon said:
"Full Circle sucked and was the biggest disappointment ever. Now let’s have at that dick."
-Tuesday, March 4 2003
Here's another thing Jon wrote about me. This was after i went off on after brendan told us about the Tomo's drama, and i said that i would kick anyone's ass who fucks with my friends. This is Jon's follow up to that post (I seriously laughed out loud at the part about "the sixth sense":
"Steve, it’s nice to see how violently loyal you are to your friends. I’ve gotta warn whoever’s out there even thinking about doing something to piss this guy off. He may seem happy now, what with a girl and APhiO, but he’s got years of rage in reserves… he can just imagine me not holding cookies or some other petty kid shiet, and BAM part of your face is missing and the sixth sense is two beyond what you’ve got. Kids will be reading about it in history books: The Trail of Ears, from San Diego to Fresno. And those kids will be crying." -Friday, March 14 2003
okay okay one more!!! This one is long. i'm only posting the whole thing so you guys dont have to click back. Anyways, read this analogy made Jon made about girls and jeans, and he also mentioned something abour fate, destiny at the end, for more relevent goodness:
The question I raised with Bryant was not about settling in general. I agree there’s no truly perfect match, and you might always wonder about other possibilities. I was making a distinction between (a) taking risks to pursue what you really want, and (b) waiting for something to come to you.-Weds, april 16, 2003
If you’re still not getting it, here’s an analogy:
Shopping.
For jeans.
You have ideas of what you want: style, color, size… and you know it must be available somewhere. All you have to do is go out to some stores and look. The risk? Maybe they won’t have your size. Maybe they’ll be black when you want blue. When this happens, sure, it’ll hurt like hell and you’ll cry, but eventually you get over it and try another store. If you keep trying, eventually you’ll find your fit. Because come on, there are plenty of jeans stores in the sea. That’s word.
Now…
What if you only bought jeans from door-to-door salesmen? Why risk going to the store, you might get hurt again . You decide to wait until the salesmen come to you. You choose from whatever selection they offer. Sure, it’s simple, effortless, convenient… and you might even find a decent fit, and be content with what you get. But there’s a whole world of denim out there you’re not even giving yourself a chance to try on.
So where in the context of this analogy does each of us fit in?
Brendan - doesn’t want to spend his money at a store, or even on gas to get there. Fuck jeans.
Brian - tried a few white jeans in the past. The last comfortable pair was from a store that closed, but recently reopened. He’s considering going back to see what’s in stock now.
Bryant - the door-to-door salesmen know his house well. The jeans look pretty good in catalogs, so he’s ordered a few. After a while they get worn out, but salesmen keep coming around. Right now he’s got a fitting pair, but he’s moving soon and might not have room in his suitcase.
Derek - I don’t know all the stories, but I’ve heard he’s been to a lot of stores and ended up not liking them very much. He no longer makes any special effort to shop. Brendan maintains that he actually likes tights.
Jonathan - this frugal picky bastard never buys new clothes. A few times he tried some on but they never seemed to fit quite right. Once he went to a store at 99 Ranch and brought home a good pair of jeans and kept them for a while. But one day he rode a horse, they broke, and now they’re gone. He tried a French store but someone else took the last of his size… he hasn’t shopped since.
Steve - one time he found some jeans he really, really liked. He paid a lot for them, but the dumb bitch cashier left the security tag on. He returned them but lost the receipt so he didn’t get his money back. He ran over a cat on the way home. After a couple repeats or similar disasters, he finally found some jeans that worked out for him, and is probably wearing them right now.
“If it’s meant to be, eventually it’ll happen.”
“It didn’t work out. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
My current belief is that such “meant to be” clichés are bullshit. People fall back on them when they are too lazy, afraid, or indecisive to take control of their own lives. Sure, sometimes it is best to wait and see. But don’t make up excuses or mystical destiny-driven reasons (well... if you happen to believe in destiny, that's just a whole other debate). I’d just like to think that over time we all have and will become more confident and proactive in pursuing our own goals and happiness. Here’s hoping…
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING UP THE CAT?????? =*(
Sorry for quoting Jon so much, but maybe if you fuckers wrote something more interesting I'd quote you too! JK. stop crying.
As i was reading through the old posts, it would seem that i was a lot better at writing (and more witty) when i was pissed off. Damn. Guess i should piss myself off more often. Fuck this happy shit!
holy shit the sun is coming up. time for bed!
real quick because i dont blog on here anymore.
In response to...
the fate thing. Yes, there is some uncertainty, but usually when you do something, you dont hope for the best, but rather you shoot for a goal. If your actions dont reach that goal, you try again, you stop trying, or you alter the goal so you can achieve it. Fate is just an excuse in my opinion. Yes, there are things you can't control, but it's best to concentrate on the stuff you can. If a bird shits on your car, maybe you shouldn't have parked it under the tree, or in an open space. Maybe you should have parked it in the garage.
I think you always have an element of control, but the more important matter is, why even worry about that?
Yeah i'm probably wrong. Feel free to line up your counter-arguments and i'll ignore them one by one. werd.
In response to...
The lack of motivation thing.
I think you have motivation. Dont tell me you don't. You had motivation the second you started to draw, or the moment you started thinking about what camera angle would look good for this shot or that shot. It takes motivation and dedication to learn the art, and that motivation never dies.
Lets face the facts, you're a very talented individual. You have more skills that you were born with than most people learn in their lifetime. The motivation is there, you just gotta stop making reasons why you can't jump in, and just do it.
Simply put, interest should always feed your motivation. Or rather, interest always DOES feed your motivation.
*i edited this second part to sound less forward. If you would like to hear the unedited version Brendan just let me know next time we chill. LOL.
In response to...
the fate thing. Yes, there is some uncertainty, but usually when you do something, you dont hope for the best, but rather you shoot for a goal. If your actions dont reach that goal, you try again, you stop trying, or you alter the goal so you can achieve it. Fate is just an excuse in my opinion. Yes, there are things you can't control, but it's best to concentrate on the stuff you can. If a bird shits on your car, maybe you shouldn't have parked it under the tree, or in an open space. Maybe you should have parked it in the garage.
I think you always have an element of control, but the more important matter is, why even worry about that?
Yeah i'm probably wrong. Feel free to line up your counter-arguments and i'll ignore them one by one. werd.
In response to...
The lack of motivation thing.
I think you have motivation. Dont tell me you don't. You had motivation the second you started to draw, or the moment you started thinking about what camera angle would look good for this shot or that shot. It takes motivation and dedication to learn the art, and that motivation never dies.
Lets face the facts, you're a very talented individual. You have more skills that you were born with than most people learn in their lifetime. The motivation is there, you just gotta stop making reasons why you can't jump in, and just do it.
Simply put, interest should always feed your motivation. Or rather, interest always DOES feed your motivation.
*i edited this second part to sound less forward. If you would like to hear the unedited version Brendan just let me know next time we chill. LOL.
WARNING: LONG POST. I'M SICK. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO, BUT DEAL WITH THESE THOUGHTS BY WRITING THEM DOWN ON PAPER...EH...TYPE THEM OUT. FEEL FREE TO SKIP OVER THIS CUZ NO ONE READS MY SHIT ANYWAY. HAHA. =)
I find it funny how when I feel like I'm going to blog since Pooky has been neglected for a week, someone else always blogs. I guess we are all on the same creative clock. So now it is time to push Tony's thoughts down the page! =P Again nothing important really here, just some random thoughts...
Musical Notes
I love the Postal Service. Therefore it is mandatory that I like Death Cab for Cutie. I know I'm probably late in liking these guys, but for those who don't know them I think it is worth a download to check them out. Soul Meets Body is their latest hit. They have a unique sound and is a nice break from all that booty shaking shit on the radio and television. Also Kanye is overrated. Thought I'd throw that in there.
Hope and The Aquarium
After working with Steve on his project for school, we got to take a couple of much needed breaks from Maya and creative thinking to sit down and talk. After those couple of nights I realized that it was the first time that Steve and I talked in a while. I told him about how Ricki met up with this guy named Jeff Lufkin and how it is a very small world indeed. I reminded him of the dream I had years ago which I just shared with Tony. I'm not saying it is anything like fate because that would be PSYCHO. But anyway this little story sets up for my next sentence. I told him that I'm not the type of person that believes in fate and he said the same. His reasoning is that he wants to feel in control of his life and that night I thought the same. We then went into a little bit about how hope sets you up for expectations and if these expectations are not met then we are slammed to the ground without our self esteem intact.
After thinking it over I thought I agreed with Steve. However, after thinking things over I think I changed my position on some certain things...
Things good and bad will happen in our lives. Whether it is something as small as a bird shitting on your freshly washed car or as big as someone passing away that was close to you, we will always be faced with decisions that will either affect our lives in the most tiny way or change us for the rest of our lives...or change the life of some stranger we don't even know. I like to think that I am in control of my fate and it is also comforting to me to think that we are all in sole control of our lives...but that isn't life.
Shit will hit the fan. This we are not in control of. What we are in control of is whether we want to wade in our shittles or clean it up and continue to have fun blowing air into the fan so it makes that funny sound.
What the fuck does an aquarium have to do with anything? Well an aquarium reminds me of what exactly I am trying to say. These fish can live their lives however they want in the universe given to them. They can hide under a rock or swim within the plants...but the big picture is that I am the god to their universe. They can't change the conditions they live in unless I do something about it. It is kind of depressing in a way that my fish depend so much on me...and it is also shitty when I let a fish die.
We are all in a fucking huge aquarium. We have control of what we want our lives to reflect, but we do not have TOTAL control ever. We rely on other people sometimes to make decisions for us...whether it be hiring me so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life, or relying to much on my parents...all nuances of not having total control ever.
So none of this is new to you. You knew this already. I just wanted to say to all of you who are in the middle of decisions right now is that you are never in total control of what will happen. Sometimes all you can do is make a decision and hope it all turns out for the best...and that unknown is what makes life worth living don't you think? I think it is about time that all of us embrace that unknown rather than fear it...and I have hope that all of us will turn out fine.
Except for me. I have absolutely no hope for me.
Dual Widescreen Monitors
Thank you Bryant and Jonathan for showing me how awesome dual displays are. Of course you both knew that I always wanted dual displays, but was never in the position of affording them. For those who don't know, I got two dual widescreen 20inch monitors and they are fucking awesome. I was worried about dead pixels and backlighting issues, but so far both of them don't have one dead pixel or any backlighting issues...
Paired with a new graphics card that is way over my budget, but I don't care cuz I deserve one...these monitors rock. Which leads me to my next point...
Creativity Sucks
I probalby posted about this before, but I'm giving you an update...
Throughout my life and also recently I have heard some statements like...
"Man I wish I can draw."
"Dude I wish I could direct movies." (For the record so do I.)
"It must be so cool to _____*."
*Insert make webpages, paint, direct, edit...
Sure this is all cool. I don't think otherwise and am very happy that I can somewhat do all these things...the problem of course is this and those who aren't creative in the traditional sense (I say traditional because EVERYONE is creative whether it is how you handle people or how you deal with certain situations), but I am talking about creativity that manifests itself onto a blank canvas and is considered "art" in the most traditional sense, don't realize the toll that creativity might take on an artist.
I recently told Jonathan how I have been feeling lately because Jonathan who we all know is an awesome artist sometimes wrestles with the fact that he is doing a job that he kind of likes, but on the other hand loves to draw. I am in a deep creative slump right now. And when someone who is relying on his creativity to get him through life has no inspritation or motivation, it makes that person a.k.a. me feel like cutting my wrist with a dull plastic knife...and the only reason why I succeed in killing myself is because all these plastic knives keep breaking and my anger turns into straight determination.
Well we all know that it's not that bad, but it is in fact close to how I feel, except for the actual thinking of killing myself. When you cannot be creative, you tend to group it with self worth. You then start to think of creativity as an almost anti-hero who screws you when you need it most. I cannot force creativity...I'm not an artist that can do that...which brings me to another tangent...
When I went clubbing...YES I went clubbing...there are some photographic evidence of such a momentous occasion...I met...well nevermind. I had to introduce myself to Steve's friends because Steve knows that I will eat new people up if they piss me off...but we got into a conversation and I'm starting to take on Jonathan's sense of conversation. Sometimes he likes to say things that amuse him as almost an inside joke, because as long as he laughs at it, it is good enough for him.
So when I introduced myself to Steve's friends that night, I went into a little rant about how I'm a worthless man who has no talent and is a waste of natural rescources on this planet. Of course I wasn't trying to impress them, but rather see what their reaction would be...(sorry Steve, didn't mean to experiment on your friends) but besides that ass move...Steve said something to the two girls along the lines of this...and I just wanted to let Steve know that I appreciate this comment, because he seemed genuine about it, but he could have just been pulling one of those inside jokes for yourself bits...
"Nah. You know what the problem with this guy is [me] that he has all these talents, but can't concentrate on one...most people in this world have one huge talent and they run with it because that is all they do, but this guy can't make a decision."
That isn't word for word, but it is what I remember hearing...and quite frankly, Steve is dead on the fucking money. I can't make a decision if my life depended on it. So until then I will sit around and hope that some of these projects that Mike and Ari have lined up for Jonathan and I will give me some of that much needed motivation.
It's funny. I hated school because I was around idiots. But the motivation was getting nods from professors about my work. Now I have only me to answer to...and let me tell you...there is nothing worse than working for a boss that has no direction or confidence in his abilities.
In fact I'm going to quit.
Laguna Beach
Oh yeah and real quick...for all you Lauren Conrad lovers out there...I really don't think she can compete with this! Now if Jessica will only do a photoshoot like this...then I will have no reason to watch Laguna Beach anymore!
I find it funny how when I feel like I'm going to blog since Pooky has been neglected for a week, someone else always blogs. I guess we are all on the same creative clock. So now it is time to push Tony's thoughts down the page! =P Again nothing important really here, just some random thoughts...
Musical Notes
I love the Postal Service. Therefore it is mandatory that I like Death Cab for Cutie. I know I'm probably late in liking these guys, but for those who don't know them I think it is worth a download to check them out. Soul Meets Body is their latest hit. They have a unique sound and is a nice break from all that booty shaking shit on the radio and television. Also Kanye is overrated. Thought I'd throw that in there.
Hope and The Aquarium
After working with Steve on his project for school, we got to take a couple of much needed breaks from Maya and creative thinking to sit down and talk. After those couple of nights I realized that it was the first time that Steve and I talked in a while. I told him about how Ricki met up with this guy named Jeff Lufkin and how it is a very small world indeed. I reminded him of the dream I had years ago which I just shared with Tony. I'm not saying it is anything like fate because that would be PSYCHO. But anyway this little story sets up for my next sentence. I told him that I'm not the type of person that believes in fate and he said the same. His reasoning is that he wants to feel in control of his life and that night I thought the same. We then went into a little bit about how hope sets you up for expectations and if these expectations are not met then we are slammed to the ground without our self esteem intact.
After thinking it over I thought I agreed with Steve. However, after thinking things over I think I changed my position on some certain things...
Things good and bad will happen in our lives. Whether it is something as small as a bird shitting on your freshly washed car or as big as someone passing away that was close to you, we will always be faced with decisions that will either affect our lives in the most tiny way or change us for the rest of our lives...or change the life of some stranger we don't even know. I like to think that I am in control of my fate and it is also comforting to me to think that we are all in sole control of our lives...but that isn't life.
Shit will hit the fan. This we are not in control of. What we are in control of is whether we want to wade in our shittles or clean it up and continue to have fun blowing air into the fan so it makes that funny sound.
What the fuck does an aquarium have to do with anything? Well an aquarium reminds me of what exactly I am trying to say. These fish can live their lives however they want in the universe given to them. They can hide under a rock or swim within the plants...but the big picture is that I am the god to their universe. They can't change the conditions they live in unless I do something about it. It is kind of depressing in a way that my fish depend so much on me...and it is also shitty when I let a fish die.
We are all in a fucking huge aquarium. We have control of what we want our lives to reflect, but we do not have TOTAL control ever. We rely on other people sometimes to make decisions for us...whether it be hiring me so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life, or relying to much on my parents...all nuances of not having total control ever.
So none of this is new to you. You knew this already. I just wanted to say to all of you who are in the middle of decisions right now is that you are never in total control of what will happen. Sometimes all you can do is make a decision and hope it all turns out for the best...and that unknown is what makes life worth living don't you think? I think it is about time that all of us embrace that unknown rather than fear it...and I have hope that all of us will turn out fine.
Except for me. I have absolutely no hope for me.
Dual Widescreen Monitors
Thank you Bryant and Jonathan for showing me how awesome dual displays are. Of course you both knew that I always wanted dual displays, but was never in the position of affording them. For those who don't know, I got two dual widescreen 20inch monitors and they are fucking awesome. I was worried about dead pixels and backlighting issues, but so far both of them don't have one dead pixel or any backlighting issues...
Paired with a new graphics card that is way over my budget, but I don't care cuz I deserve one...these monitors rock. Which leads me to my next point...
Creativity Sucks
I probalby posted about this before, but I'm giving you an update...
Throughout my life and also recently I have heard some statements like...
"Man I wish I can draw."
"Dude I wish I could direct movies." (For the record so do I.)
"It must be so cool to _____*."
*Insert make webpages, paint, direct, edit...
Sure this is all cool. I don't think otherwise and am very happy that I can somewhat do all these things...the problem of course is this and those who aren't creative in the traditional sense (I say traditional because EVERYONE is creative whether it is how you handle people or how you deal with certain situations), but I am talking about creativity that manifests itself onto a blank canvas and is considered "art" in the most traditional sense, don't realize the toll that creativity might take on an artist.
I recently told Jonathan how I have been feeling lately because Jonathan who we all know is an awesome artist sometimes wrestles with the fact that he is doing a job that he kind of likes, but on the other hand loves to draw. I am in a deep creative slump right now. And when someone who is relying on his creativity to get him through life has no inspritation or motivation, it makes that person a.k.a. me feel like cutting my wrist with a dull plastic knife...and the only reason why I succeed in killing myself is because all these plastic knives keep breaking and my anger turns into straight determination.
Well we all know that it's not that bad, but it is in fact close to how I feel, except for the actual thinking of killing myself. When you cannot be creative, you tend to group it with self worth. You then start to think of creativity as an almost anti-hero who screws you when you need it most. I cannot force creativity...I'm not an artist that can do that...which brings me to another tangent...
When I went clubbing...YES I went clubbing...there are some photographic evidence of such a momentous occasion...I met...well nevermind. I had to introduce myself to Steve's friends because Steve knows that I will eat new people up if they piss me off...but we got into a conversation and I'm starting to take on Jonathan's sense of conversation. Sometimes he likes to say things that amuse him as almost an inside joke, because as long as he laughs at it, it is good enough for him.
So when I introduced myself to Steve's friends that night, I went into a little rant about how I'm a worthless man who has no talent and is a waste of natural rescources on this planet. Of course I wasn't trying to impress them, but rather see what their reaction would be...(sorry Steve, didn't mean to experiment on your friends) but besides that ass move...Steve said something to the two girls along the lines of this...and I just wanted to let Steve know that I appreciate this comment, because he seemed genuine about it, but he could have just been pulling one of those inside jokes for yourself bits...
"Nah. You know what the problem with this guy is [me] that he has all these talents, but can't concentrate on one...most people in this world have one huge talent and they run with it because that is all they do, but this guy can't make a decision."
That isn't word for word, but it is what I remember hearing...and quite frankly, Steve is dead on the fucking money. I can't make a decision if my life depended on it. So until then I will sit around and hope that some of these projects that Mike and Ari have lined up for Jonathan and I will give me some of that much needed motivation.
It's funny. I hated school because I was around idiots. But the motivation was getting nods from professors about my work. Now I have only me to answer to...and let me tell you...there is nothing worse than working for a boss that has no direction or confidence in his abilities.
In fact I'm going to quit.
Laguna Beach
Oh yeah and real quick...for all you Lauren Conrad lovers out there...I really don't think she can compete with this! Now if Jessica will only do a photoshoot like this...then I will have no reason to watch Laguna Beach anymore!
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