Apr 17, 2003
hehe, thanks for the feed back guys... Jon - Funny you should say the good and the bad... I used to keep a journal on the computer and one of my entries definitely read "Why can’t I remember the bad things, the things I didn’t like about her when I remember?" Man, that was a long time ago! After I wrote that I thought about it. Yes there were definitely things I didn't like about her when we were together... I remember that I never had very much time to spend with you guys, and I remember living in that routine. I know I don't want that now. I donno, I can't explain it too well, but it was like I was weak before. It's as if it was more of an experiment than anything. During the time we were apart, I was able to grow on my own. I have you guys to thank for that. I'm more confident in what I want, and what I believe. No I haven't made a move... I'm still trying to figure her out... See if she's a "perfect fit." (And see if she's really different.)
I guess my past statement on my blog was actually like the Jeans example, going out and getting something or sitting and waiting for something to come up. I am taking a risk in some ways... I'm opening the door again for the pain to come back. I tried to close it off years ago, but things kept leaking through. Now I'm ready to face it. I'll open the door wide and we'll see what happens. Again, thanks for being there, guys. I definitely appreciate. (Except for the kickboxing bit... I've still got some aikido in my system... We're throwing down when I come back! hehehe...)
Bryant: I feel the same way about my parents... I'm always greatful for everything they've given me, and what they're still giving me today. Each day I want to make them proud, and let them see what their son can accomplish... Parents... Gotta love them, even though they did impose some harsh rules in the past! :)
Brendan: I was watching CSI the night you put up your icon... Except the episode dealt with sadism/masochism... And then I looked at your icon... WORD. hehe joking aside, it's a good work of art!
So yeah... I just took another set of midterms this time around... It was funny: my econ professor comes in with our blue books... He then proceeds with lecture. A few minutes later, a student asks him if he's going to hand back the tests. The professor looks around and says "No, I'll pass it back at the end of class. It's too hard to lecture over crying." He then puts up a little distribution graph for us to stare at for the hour he lectures... 50 F's and 14 A's... I kinda like his sense of humor.
Anyway, it's late... I don't think I'll go to my morning class tomorrow... I hate spring semesters... My boss actually hit the nail on the head when he said: "That was my down fall... Fall semesters: A's and B's... Spring semesters: D's and F's." There's something about spring that makes me not want to do work. But happily it's more controlled this time around.
Til next time... (I want that Master Sword Damnit! Class starts in 5 minutes! NOT ENOUGH TIME! How the hell am I going to fit a woman in the schedule? Better yet, what about FRIENDS?!?! Wahhh.)
Zzzzz....
I guess my past statement on my blog was actually like the Jeans example, going out and getting something or sitting and waiting for something to come up. I am taking a risk in some ways... I'm opening the door again for the pain to come back. I tried to close it off years ago, but things kept leaking through. Now I'm ready to face it. I'll open the door wide and we'll see what happens. Again, thanks for being there, guys. I definitely appreciate. (Except for the kickboxing bit... I've still got some aikido in my system... We're throwing down when I come back! hehehe...)
Bryant: I feel the same way about my parents... I'm always greatful for everything they've given me, and what they're still giving me today. Each day I want to make them proud, and let them see what their son can accomplish... Parents... Gotta love them, even though they did impose some harsh rules in the past! :)
Brendan: I was watching CSI the night you put up your icon... Except the episode dealt with sadism/masochism... And then I looked at your icon... WORD. hehe joking aside, it's a good work of art!
So yeah... I just took another set of midterms this time around... It was funny: my econ professor comes in with our blue books... He then proceeds with lecture. A few minutes later, a student asks him if he's going to hand back the tests. The professor looks around and says "No, I'll pass it back at the end of class. It's too hard to lecture over crying." He then puts up a little distribution graph for us to stare at for the hour he lectures... 50 F's and 14 A's... I kinda like his sense of humor.
Anyway, it's late... I don't think I'll go to my morning class tomorrow... I hate spring semesters... My boss actually hit the nail on the head when he said: "That was my down fall... Fall semesters: A's and B's... Spring semesters: D's and F's." There's something about spring that makes me not want to do work. But happily it's more controlled this time around.
Til next time... (I want that Master Sword Damnit! Class starts in 5 minutes! NOT ENOUGH TIME! How the hell am I going to fit a woman in the schedule? Better yet, what about FRIENDS?!?! Wahhh.)
Zzzzz....
Brian - tread carefully. I read the statement on your blog, not totally sure what it meant. I don't know if you've already made a move or anything, but contemplate the pros and cons of everything. Putting yourself out there for a girl is a huge step for us fellaz. The heart is a fragile piece of our lives, so all I will say is be careful. If things don't go your way, remember you have friends here who will comfort ya.
Jonathan - I like your analogy. It makes sense, I think it fits me pretty well. To stay in your analogous state, I will just say that I will keep trying on "jeans" until I find the perfect fit (for me). I don't believe those cliches are bullshit and the same with fate. I am a strong believer in fate, but I'm not going to argue with you about it because it's not logical. I know that and I know you will win any argument with any of us if it has to do w/ it being logical or not. But it doesn't mean I can't have faith in it right? I think it's like religion too. A lot of the stories in the bible don't seem like they could possibly ever happen, they're not logically supposed to happen, but we still believe in something right? Maybe not all of us. But I think having faith in something, having a reason for living, having a purpose and beliefs, all which may not be widely accepted or shared, are meaningful to all our lives. As for the cliches being a "fall back," we could even say a crutch to make us feel better or more comfortable about things not working out, I don't believe that either. I'm sure in some cases that could be true. For me, I truly think if it wasn't meant to be, there are signs out there, breaking up being the biggest one, but not always the deciding factor. For any of you to believe in any of this, you have to believe in my bullshit, also known as Fate. I'm not lazy, afraid (how can you not be scared of a relationship, uncertainty) or indecisive (well not totally). But another reason why those cliches might not be bullshit to me is also because I am for the most part an optimist, I try to find something good in everything and for me, a break up could be a good thing. Example being, if something wasn't meant to be, why would I want to be in there, therefore the break up was a good thing.
Being proactive is a good thing, but if you constantly fail, that could destroy someone's self confidence. But if you don't want any "what ifs," then go out there and give it a shot, not just talking about relationships. Regret is a bitch and there is no one to blame but yourself if you don't try.
The only person that came to mind so far about girls that we find attractive that most wouldn't is....
Michelle Branch. I don't know what it is, because her look doesn't really appeal to me, but there's just something about her...I dunno...
Brendan - Your new icon is sick. I liked your old one, but I think this depicts your true demented, sadistic, demonic ways. To your last breath before you die, I would say - "You mother fucker, I was going to give you the vaccine too, selfish bitch!" haha jk, all in good fun...but would I really cure Brendan? ....Make a movie! Make me a star!
Steve - your blog was funny. I never saw the Videogame player thingy on MTV, but I guess I need to see it to fully understand your blog. Being an asshole is fun sometimes, definitely to those who deserve or to innocent bystanders who don't know you're talking shit (jk). You're not a loser...who's the big winner? I'm gonna ask you who the bigger winner...Who's the big winner? Stevie! Steve-O! Steven! Creme Puff!??? Overall, you're the big winner. Happy w/ life, active in extra-curriculars, good gf (I suppose, know nothing about her, but you two are still together so something has to be going right), and you know a Korean (that's me)...so life can't get any better for you! Well, maybe if you knew two Koreans, but some may say that could be excessive. (Suicide hand gesture hehe)
Zelda - Sailing around does become somewhat gay, but when it's all said and done, it's still a great game. I'm in Ganon's Tower right now, trying to go through a shit load of doors to God knows where.
I've been down in the dumps lately, a little family trouble, but I gotta have faith that things will turn out ok. Smile and continue on with business as usual.
B-Dizzle out to da hizzy fo sheezy....
Room Cleared due to questionable comments above, B Lee Dat Out
Jonathan - I like your analogy. It makes sense, I think it fits me pretty well. To stay in your analogous state, I will just say that I will keep trying on "jeans" until I find the perfect fit (for me). I don't believe those cliches are bullshit and the same with fate. I am a strong believer in fate, but I'm not going to argue with you about it because it's not logical. I know that and I know you will win any argument with any of us if it has to do w/ it being logical or not. But it doesn't mean I can't have faith in it right? I think it's like religion too. A lot of the stories in the bible don't seem like they could possibly ever happen, they're not logically supposed to happen, but we still believe in something right? Maybe not all of us. But I think having faith in something, having a reason for living, having a purpose and beliefs, all which may not be widely accepted or shared, are meaningful to all our lives. As for the cliches being a "fall back," we could even say a crutch to make us feel better or more comfortable about things not working out, I don't believe that either. I'm sure in some cases that could be true. For me, I truly think if it wasn't meant to be, there are signs out there, breaking up being the biggest one, but not always the deciding factor. For any of you to believe in any of this, you have to believe in my bullshit, also known as Fate. I'm not lazy, afraid (how can you not be scared of a relationship, uncertainty) or indecisive (well not totally). But another reason why those cliches might not be bullshit to me is also because I am for the most part an optimist, I try to find something good in everything and for me, a break up could be a good thing. Example being, if something wasn't meant to be, why would I want to be in there, therefore the break up was a good thing.
Being proactive is a good thing, but if you constantly fail, that could destroy someone's self confidence. But if you don't want any "what ifs," then go out there and give it a shot, not just talking about relationships. Regret is a bitch and there is no one to blame but yourself if you don't try.
The only person that came to mind so far about girls that we find attractive that most wouldn't is....
Michelle Branch. I don't know what it is, because her look doesn't really appeal to me, but there's just something about her...I dunno...
Brendan - Your new icon is sick. I liked your old one, but I think this depicts your true demented, sadistic, demonic ways. To your last breath before you die, I would say - "You mother fucker, I was going to give you the vaccine too, selfish bitch!" haha jk, all in good fun...but would I really cure Brendan? ....Make a movie! Make me a star!
Steve - your blog was funny. I never saw the Videogame player thingy on MTV, but I guess I need to see it to fully understand your blog. Being an asshole is fun sometimes, definitely to those who deserve or to innocent bystanders who don't know you're talking shit (jk). You're not a loser...who's the big winner? I'm gonna ask you who the bigger winner...Who's the big winner? Stevie! Steve-O! Steven! Creme Puff!??? Overall, you're the big winner. Happy w/ life, active in extra-curriculars, good gf (I suppose, know nothing about her, but you two are still together so something has to be going right), and you know a Korean (that's me)...so life can't get any better for you! Well, maybe if you knew two Koreans, but some may say that could be excessive. (Suicide hand gesture hehe)
Zelda - Sailing around does become somewhat gay, but when it's all said and done, it's still a great game. I'm in Ganon's Tower right now, trying to go through a shit load of doors to God knows where.
I've been down in the dumps lately, a little family trouble, but I gotta have faith that things will turn out ok. Smile and continue on with business as usual.
B-Dizzle out to da hizzy fo sheezy....
Room Cleared due to questionable comments above, B Lee Dat Out
Apr 16, 2003
THE FARMER AND HIS WIFE
Brian, that’s a tough one.
My first instinct says you should just stay away. I wish I knew more of the details of your relationship while it was going on… other than you guys “reading” together. But back then you didn’t volunteer a whole lot of info. What I do know worries me, all the shit that came out after you guys broke up: she was needy, didn’t have her own friends, monopolized your time… and then after all you sacrificed (namely, chill time with Steve and me heh punk), something happened and she just dropped you. Then there was the awkward phase, and her invite-and-ignore-Brian parties... but eventually, after a long time you got over it and were ready to move on and never see her again (and were ready to pursue married girls wheee). I don’t want to see this become a cycle. I know it’s easy for old feelings to come back. And we often find comfort in familiarity, even if it’s not in our best interest.
On the other hand, I never got the full picture of how happy you were when you were together. If, at the time, she really seemed like the one for you… and somehow you feel that way again… I guess it might be worth a shot. I definitely agree that you don’t want to end up wondering “what if?”… we’ve done that enough already. So if, after reflecting on all the good and all the bad, you still feel like trying something again, then just be careful and keep your head in reality. And keep us posted so we can set you straight when you need it.
If I got any of this wrong, I apologize for misrepresenting the situation, and seriously would like to be refreshed on the accurate story… this is just how I remember it. MEANWHILE, I’ll find the most tall, nappy, farmer-looking guy in kickboxing class to practice beating down, in case any leave-after-one-game-of-bowling ideas come creeping back. >=)
TAKING WHAT YOU GET
The question I raised with Bryant was not about settling in general. I agree there’s no truly perfect match, and you might always wonder about other possibilities. I was making a distinction between (a) taking risks to pursue what you really want, and (b) waiting for something to come to you.
If you’re still not getting it, here’s an analogy:
Shopping.
For jeans.
You have ideas of what you want: style, color, size… and you know it must be available somewhere. All you have to do is go out to some stores and look. The risk? Maybe they won’t have your size. Maybe they’ll be black when you want blue. When this happens, sure, it’ll hurt like hell and you’ll cry, but eventually you get over it and try another store. If you keep trying, eventually you’ll find your fit. Because come on, there are plenty of jeans stores in the sea. That’s word.
Now…
What if you only bought jeans from door-to-door salesmen? Why risk going to the store, you might get hurt again. You decide to wait until the salesmen come to you. You choose from whatever selection they offer. Sure, it’s simple, effortless, convenient… and you might even find a decent fit, and be content with what you get. But there’s a whole world of denim out there you’re not even giving yourself a chance to try on.
So where in the context of this analogy does each of us fit in?
Brendan - doesn’t want to spend his money at a store, or even on gas to get there. Fuck jeans.
Brian - tried a few white jeans in the past. The last comfortable pair was from a store that closed, but recently reopened. He’s considering going back to see what’s in stock now.
Bryant - the door-to-door salesmen know his house well. The jeans look pretty good in catalogs, so he’s ordered a few. After a while they get worn out, but salesmen keep coming around. Right now he’s got a fitting pair, but he’s moving soon and might not have room in his suitcase.
Derek - I don’t know all the stories, but I’ve heard he’s been to a lot of stores and ended up not liking them very much. He no longer makes any special effort to shop. Brendan maintains that he actually likes tights.
Jonathan - this frugal picky bastard never buys new clothes. A few times he tried some on but they never seemed to fit quite right. Once he went to a store at 99 Ranch and brought home a good pair of jeans and kept them for a while. But one day he rode a horse, they broke, and now they’re gone. He tried a French store but someone else took the last of his size… he hasn’t shopped since.
Steve - one time he found some jeans he really, really liked. He paid a lot for them, but the dumb bitch cashier left the security tag on. He returned them but lost the receipt so he didn’t get his money back. He ran over a cat on the way home. After a couple repeats or similar disasters, he finally found some jeans that worked out for him, and is probably wearing them right now.
“If it’s meant to be, eventually it’ll happen.”
“It didn’t work out. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
My current belief is that such “meant to be” clichés are bullshit. People fall back on them when they are too lazy, afraid, or indecisive to take control of their own lives. Sure, sometimes it is best to wait and see. But don’t make up excuses or mystical destiny-driven reasons (well... if you happen to believe in destiny, that's just a whole other debate). I’d just like to think that over time we all have and will become more confident and proactive in pursuing our own goals and happiness. Here’s hoping…
BEETLEJUICE GIRL, INTERRUPTED?
Ah, the less-celebrated female celebrities… I happen to like Winona Ryder. She has a classic kind of beauty, and though she might not be able to pull off shoplifting, she pulls off the short hair bob quite nicely. I’ve already heard opposition… “WINONA RYDER?!” said Bryant a while back, apparently shocked to find her among my pictures. Wendy thinks she looks plain. Anyways, she’s one of my picks.
Oh actually since this post took so long I thought of another one. When I saw The Mummy Returns I thought Rachel Weisz was really attractive. Since then I’ve seen pictures where she doesn’t look so good… but on screen, at the time, she was appealing.
NEW BLUCKY ICON
…
looks just like you…
heh and you said mine looked Chinese…
Well I’m not sure if this one or the old one was a more accurate representation… but I’d say this one is scarier. Anywhich, it’s a cool drawing and very nicely colored.
ILL
Wait a second… look at this timestamp… that can’t be right, Jonathan is working full time now… neh?
Ah, the sick day. Paid time off. Nice.
I got home, and Reid (on spring break) asked with a grin, “Did you get fired?” Fortunately not. I went in to Sunnyvale for a training class this morning from 8-12. I was feeling pretty bad already, but afterward was still planning to work and see how I felt as the day went on. By the time I reached Palo Alto I was feverish, so I decided to leave my manager an email and head home.
So here’s one good thing about work. Sick days are no longer all bad. Back in school, when you got sick you’d stay home and know that when you went back you’d have extra work to do. That’s shiet in a knapsack waiting to funk up your life. But when you get sick days off from work, you can sleep, read, watch movies, or even finally post a blog that the world has been eagerly awaiting. Worth it.
Brian, that’s a tough one.
My first instinct says you should just stay away. I wish I knew more of the details of your relationship while it was going on… other than you guys “reading” together. But back then you didn’t volunteer a whole lot of info. What I do know worries me, all the shit that came out after you guys broke up: she was needy, didn’t have her own friends, monopolized your time… and then after all you sacrificed (namely, chill time with Steve and me heh punk), something happened and she just dropped you. Then there was the awkward phase, and her invite-and-ignore-Brian parties... but eventually, after a long time you got over it and were ready to move on and never see her again (and were ready to pursue married girls wheee). I don’t want to see this become a cycle. I know it’s easy for old feelings to come back. And we often find comfort in familiarity, even if it’s not in our best interest.
On the other hand, I never got the full picture of how happy you were when you were together. If, at the time, she really seemed like the one for you… and somehow you feel that way again… I guess it might be worth a shot. I definitely agree that you don’t want to end up wondering “what if?”… we’ve done that enough already. So if, after reflecting on all the good and all the bad, you still feel like trying something again, then just be careful and keep your head in reality. And keep us posted so we can set you straight when you need it.
If I got any of this wrong, I apologize for misrepresenting the situation, and seriously would like to be refreshed on the accurate story… this is just how I remember it. MEANWHILE, I’ll find the most tall, nappy, farmer-looking guy in kickboxing class to practice beating down, in case any leave-after-one-game-of-bowling ideas come creeping back. >=)
TAKING WHAT YOU GET
The question I raised with Bryant was not about settling in general. I agree there’s no truly perfect match, and you might always wonder about other possibilities. I was making a distinction between (a) taking risks to pursue what you really want, and (b) waiting for something to come to you.
If you’re still not getting it, here’s an analogy:
Shopping.
For jeans.
You have ideas of what you want: style, color, size… and you know it must be available somewhere. All you have to do is go out to some stores and look. The risk? Maybe they won’t have your size. Maybe they’ll be black when you want blue. When this happens, sure, it’ll hurt like hell and you’ll cry, but eventually you get over it and try another store. If you keep trying, eventually you’ll find your fit. Because come on, there are plenty of jeans stores in the sea. That’s word.
Now…
What if you only bought jeans from door-to-door salesmen? Why risk going to the store, you might get hurt again
So where in the context of this analogy does each of us fit in?
Brendan - doesn’t want to spend his money at a store, or even on gas to get there. Fuck jeans.
Brian - tried a few white jeans in the past. The last comfortable pair was from a store that closed, but recently reopened. He’s considering going back to see what’s in stock now.
Bryant - the door-to-door salesmen know his house well. The jeans look pretty good in catalogs, so he’s ordered a few. After a while they get worn out, but salesmen keep coming around. Right now he’s got a fitting pair, but he’s moving soon and might not have room in his suitcase.
Derek - I don’t know all the stories, but I’ve heard he’s been to a lot of stores and ended up not liking them very much. He no longer makes any special effort to shop. Brendan maintains that he actually likes tights.
Jonathan - this frugal picky bastard never buys new clothes. A few times he tried some on but they never seemed to fit quite right. Once he went to a store at 99 Ranch and brought home a good pair of jeans and kept them for a while. But one day he rode a horse, they broke, and now they’re gone. He tried a French store but someone else took the last of his size… he hasn’t shopped since.
Steve - one time he found some jeans he really, really liked. He paid a lot for them, but the dumb bitch cashier left the security tag on. He returned them but lost the receipt so he didn’t get his money back. He ran over a cat on the way home. After a couple repeats or similar disasters, he finally found some jeans that worked out for him, and is probably wearing them right now.
“If it’s meant to be, eventually it’ll happen.”
“It didn’t work out. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
My current belief is that such “meant to be” clichés are bullshit. People fall back on them when they are too lazy, afraid, or indecisive to take control of their own lives. Sure, sometimes it is best to wait and see. But don’t make up excuses or mystical destiny-driven reasons (well... if you happen to believe in destiny, that's just a whole other debate). I’d just like to think that over time we all have and will become more confident and proactive in pursuing our own goals and happiness. Here’s hoping…
BEETLEJUICE GIRL, INTERRUPTED?
Ah, the less-celebrated female celebrities… I happen to like Winona Ryder. She has a classic kind of beauty, and though she might not be able to pull off shoplifting, she pulls off the short hair bob quite nicely. I’ve already heard opposition… “WINONA RYDER?!” said Bryant a while back, apparently shocked to find her among my pictures. Wendy thinks she looks plain. Anyways, she’s one of my picks.
Oh actually since this post took so long I thought of another one. When I saw The Mummy Returns I thought Rachel Weisz was really attractive. Since then I’ve seen pictures where she doesn’t look so good… but on screen, at the time, she was appealing.
NEW BLUCKY ICON
…
looks just like you…
heh and you said mine looked Chinese…
Well I’m not sure if this one or the old one was a more accurate representation… but I’d say this one is scarier. Anywhich, it’s a cool drawing and very nicely colored.
ILL
Wait a second… look at this timestamp… that can’t be right, Jonathan is working full time now… neh?
Ah, the sick day. Paid time off. Nice.
I got home, and Reid (on spring break) asked with a grin, “Did you get fired?” Fortunately not. I went in to Sunnyvale for a training class this morning from 8-12. I was feeling pretty bad already, but afterward was still planning to work and see how I felt as the day went on. By the time I reached Palo Alto I was feverish, so I decided to leave my manager an email and head home.
So here’s one good thing about work. Sick days are no longer all bad. Back in school, when you got sick you’d stay home and know that when you went back you’d have extra work to do. That’s shiet in a knapsack waiting to funk up your life. But when you get sick days off from work, you can sleep, read, watch movies, or even finally post a blog that the world has been eagerly awaiting. Worth it.
Apr 14, 2003
Aww the double blog. How I love thee. I saw a sneak preview of Eecs's blog, but I guess he thought it wasn't up to par. I thought it was pretty funny when I skimmed through it. So this blog is just a little explanation of the new icon. You can interpret it however you like. No need to go into far fetched shit like film theory. Take what you want from it. I will however just point out for you art freaks out there (Bryant and Jon) how I did this icon in a quick fashion.
The background was not stolen. I drew that. Started with a square. Cut and paste, cut and paste. Then I screened the layer to make blood stains on the wall and changed the curves to give it a mildew look. Rounded it up with some cheesy lighting effects. The mask and straight jacket has been texturized, although you can see it as well as I would have liked. Oh well. Look for the big on an update to MA. If i get around to it. I then just layered color over color then finished off with some blood work. No Streamline...just penciled it in and painted. Oh well. I like the overall mood it conveys. However those buckles leave something to be desired.
Second draft of script is done. That's enough of that.
Okay so I'll talk to you guys later. I need to start thinking of that fucking inspiration page that has been neglected for so long. Kinda like Jon and his blogs. Peace out from the crazy go nuts hall in the asylum.
The background was not stolen. I drew that. Started with a square. Cut and paste, cut and paste. Then I screened the layer to make blood stains on the wall and changed the curves to give it a mildew look. Rounded it up with some cheesy lighting effects. The mask and straight jacket has been texturized, although you can see it as well as I would have liked. Oh well. Look for the big on an update to MA. If i get around to it. I then just layered color over color then finished off with some blood work. No Streamline...just penciled it in and painted. Oh well. I like the overall mood it conveys. However those buckles leave something to be desired.
Second draft of script is done. That's enough of that.
Okay so I'll talk to you guys later. I need to start thinking of that fucking inspiration page that has been neglected for so long. Kinda like Jon and his blogs. Peace out from the crazy go nuts hall in the asylum.
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