the happiest place

This was one of the best trips I've ever gone on. Laughs aplenty with wholesome Disney family fun... nice, very nice. I wish you all could have come along (all of Team Pooky, not you other chuckas reading for kicks). I still struggle to recall all the things we discussed and cracked up about. Unfortunately, most of the jokes you had to be there for and will now be out of context. But here are some of the hopefully-relatable highlights:

- During the drive down south, we were laughing about my painful history as usual, and Ricki asked if horseback riding crushes the balls. Brendan chimes in, "Jon's balls are small, they don't stick out much." I clarified the point, "They barely stick out at all, they're like buttons." Everyone seemed to enjoy a good laugh at that while I sat, sad and shocked at receiving neither comfort nor sympathy. They could at least serve a purpose, like lift a toe, anything...

- Helen shares the fact that she and Steve are Scar Twins. I asked what that meant, and Steve said in the usual disgusted tone, "It's beyond gay." I guess they had similar scars on their shoulders, so she demonstrated by touching their shoulders together, followed by a raised fist and "Scar Twins, GO!" Later on when Helen brought it up again, I said it's a symbol of their relationship, and that as long as they have their scars they'll have a special bond. She asked Steve, "You don't even have yours anymore do you?" Steve: "Eh, kinda."

- Brendan and Steve felt slightly ill after Star Tours, claiming off-center seating as the cause. I celebrated, victorious this once, as the only one not afflicted by motion sickness. Boo. Yah.

- Steve, having heard rumors of their edibility, had great hopes of saving money by eating the plants in Tomorrowland.

- Riding the roller coasters, I joined in the screaming but used my special joke laugh. The first time I did it, we were on Matterhorn and Brendan immediately asked, "Did you just do the laugh?!" I just said, "What? I saw a hat (that had fallen onto the track)." After the ride Brendan continued, "I swear... I thought I heard the laugh, weird." I agreed it was weird... and after maybe ten seconds said with a satisfied grin, "Yeah, I did it." My secret was out, so from then on escalation was the only course of action. My proudest creation... I hope the kids heard it.

- Dinner Saturday at Rainforest Cafe: one of the funniest meals ever. Since I was treating Steve to most of the weekend as a graduation/collision expense consolation gift, naturally he was looking at the lobster, and I recommended the salad. He offered to buy me a drink, and I said in that case I'd get him one too. We end up buying each other the same thing: Panama Punch, probably the strongest thing they have since it's got 151 and other liquors in it. We started slow, ate some food, Steve got the redness, then for some reason he decides to gulp down a third of his glass at once. Helen checked his temperature by touching cheeks, and we reviewed the day I lost thumb control. Hopefully Steve and Brendan can remind me of the other details...

- Steve mentioned that someone once saw Goofy outside at night, just standing still looking up at the stars. We wondered what he could have been doing, and eventually decided it was kinda creepy. Somehow we got to talking about how scary it'd be if late at night with no one else there, Goofy started chasing you around the park. You can't see who's in the suit, he's tall, goes "gawrsh" as he follows you, and makes his old cartoon yell noise if he gets hit. If you drop a banana peel, he'll slip and fall on it because he's Goofy... but he keeps on comin'. He'd stand in the place of the abominable snowman on the Matterhorn. If you get in the front car of a coaster, he gets in the back car. When you go through a cave, he's two cars closer. Another cave, another two cars closer. After the last cave he's sitting right next to you. "GAWRSH!" Freaky. You get in a Mad Tea Party cup, he gets in a different one, and somehow as you both spin around he's always looking right at you. He might even send Goof Troop after you. We agreed that'd be a great short movie for Brendan to make.

- After the tram ride back to the parking lot, Steve insisted the driver on the intercom sounded like Homestar Runner, and proceeded to imitate him: "pwease exit the twam, lowa yo head..." We didn't know what he was talking about, but the randomness cracked us up. Then to top that, Steve says, "ok maybe it wasn't that much like Homestar... it was more like this..." and does exactly the same voice again, "lowa yo head... lowa yo head and exit the twam... lowa yo head..."

- Sunday lunch at Arby's fine dining, before Steve and Helen take off. We get our food, and Steve is about to eat a curly fry when Helen says, "don't start with that!" and explains how when you're hungry your body soaks up the first thing you eat. Steve gives the usual face, and I couldn't help but laugh. Later, Steve mentioned how people ask you how your food is if they want some. Helen happened to ask him how his sandwich was, so he held it right up to her face. She didn't want any, but he continued offering it to her face for another ten seconds or so.

"I'm happy for you... bitch"

At Disneyland, the bitterness of the single guy left behind came up. February 2001: I got my first girlfriend and told Steve. He said "congratulations, you deserve it, man." BUT I KNEW. For 11 years, we had been a sad pair: the perpetually single last-finishing nice guys. Suddenly I had managed to quit the club. I could detect some bittersweet reaction... not that I blame him. If he had called me up and said he found a girl first, I'd hang up on him, drive down to SD, drop all his cookies on the floor, and say "nice going, now eat your tasty cookies!" Now... at Disneyland, Steve denied the bitterness. BUT I FOUND PROOF. The following is a quote from an AIM chat around that time:

"you lucky bastard... the boat is empty... fuck you guys, now I can go wherever I want."

That touching message does not matter now, of course. I can't say he did the same to me. We were in the same boat for a long time. I left the boat and he pissed on my stuff while I was gone. Then he ditched the boat when he got with Helen. I decided to buy a fancy yacht [read: horse], but didn't know that a week later a storm would tear it to holy hell and leave me stranded. So I'm back home, in the boat invisible to the female eye. And what do you do when you get home and find out someone's been pissing on your stuff? You piss on their fucking stuff. Ten times more than they did. I'm happy for you Steve. You too, Bryant. And why not throw T-Bag in the mix. I wish only the best for all of you. I recommend the bed and breakfast.