It should be noted that The Onion's articles are intended to be humorous, not true. Dave doesn't think we're lame for the reasons stated in the article. Other reasons.


Katrina

Nature can be one mean mother. At times like this when the media decides to really show how bad things are for certain people, my pity and sympathy show up out of nowhere. I think I'll donate to Red Cross.

I often say rich people who live extravagant lives in unnecessary palaces and buy their kids BMWs for their supersweet 16s are selfish. Their money could help less fortunate people who really need help, but instead it's going to decadent excess. And every time I say this I consider how I fit into that picture. My job affords me a few nice things, but generally my purchases have some practical purpose. Anyway, this is one of those chances for me to put my money where my mouth is and those selfish bastards' money isn't.

LM has a help-our-employees fund, but that seems somewhat unfair. Everyone help your own company? "Oh you work at McDonald's? I have great news: donations are pouring in from across the country to help you out. Here's your Kanye West CD and a $5 giftcard to Jamba Juice. Feel better."


Laguna Beach

So TV is so powerful now that you don't even need to offer humor, talent, or knowledge to amass an audience. People will WATCH SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE instead of living their own, just because it's being broadcast, albeit with prettier faces.

What can I say… to each her own.

On the other hand, maybe it's a subtly deep commentary, reminding us that REAL LIFE, UNSCRIPTED, is full of the humor and drama that we seek through artificial means, and that we need simply to get up out of our loungers, step outside and live. Maybe that's the point; it's just that nobody's getting it.


the home

Growing old… sad, perhaps, but better than the alternative. And by alternative I mean creeping everyone out like Cher.

I'm not familiar with retirement homes, other than what I've seen in TV and movies. Are they really that bad? What's the better way to grow old, to be in your own house with your spouse? Or by yourself--I'm not sure which is worse at that point.

Maybe the old people care home is less like being sentenced to prison and more like a glorious return to the dorm life. You meet a lot of people your age, stay up late drinking and ordering pizza and cheesesticks, wrestle in the hallways, drop fruit from the top floor, experiment sexually, all that goodness. Then again, maybe not.

I expect when I get old something like Batteries Not Included will keep me entertained. So the best is yet to come...