Okay.

Here we go.

The following tale is true. It is based on recent events in the life of someone you know. Me.


Monday

I'm at work. I get an email notification that I have a new Myspace message from John. I figure it's our tar-puffing soccer-playing chum, who I recently added, but since Myspace is blocked at work I can't read it right away.

That night. Home. I click the link to see my message, and to my surprise the photo is of a white guy who doesn't look familiar. That’s new. I have received a few random messages through Myspace, but they are invariably from girls, somewhat attractive, but clearly intended to (1) lead me to a webcam site, (2) aid this insecure gal in a high friend count contest, or (3) help me unwittingly connect with a sad, lonely man with a poor sense of humor and far too little to do.

Anyway, John's message reads:

Subject: hey

hey man

I’m new to this site. I was browsing profiles, and found yours, and liked what you said, so I thought I’d say hi. Whats up?

Okay. A bit brief and pointless, but friendly enough and possibly legit. So I check out his page to see why he contacted me in the first place--if we have common interests, etc. Clearly he is new because he has no media, no comments, and no friends besides Tom. In his main and only photo, he appears to be crouching in some grass. Sans shirt. Orientation check: Straight. So he's the outdoor type or likes showing off his body. Fine.

I figure I can be cordial and write back, but since I have no idea what this guy is about, I don't really see a point. Message ignored.


Tuesday

Another email notification. Message #2 from John. Just a day later, what does he want? Maybe he wants to say a little more about himself. Or maybe he's crazy and wants to know why I haven't written back within 24 hours. See for yourself:

Subject: question

I’m going to come right out with it…

You said in your profile you’ll try almost anything. I’m kinda like that too. I was wondering if you’d let me suck your dick…?

WHOA. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. Hold on there fella. We haven't even gone on a first date yet. So now I know this is headed nowhere, and I figure it's just a lewd unfunny joke, but I'm curious if his profile has been updated with any more info. Now John has 3 friends including The Ruby Tuesday Swinger’s Club. So maybe this proposition is real? Orientation still says Straight. Sure, buddy. Straight as a rainbow.


Thoughts

Okay. Even if it was an incredibly hot girl--real and free of transmittable disease--I'm not accepting an offer like that through Myspace. It just seems like an obvious trap of some kind, with, admittedly, tantalizing bait.

But this is a GUY. Who CLAIMS to be STRAIGHT. And MY profile says, clearly and MOST accurately, STRAIGHT as well. You all know I have no problem with gay people, but I'd prefer not to be mistaken for one. And how did this guy find me? Did he search on "try anything" or do I have some kind of manlove appeal that I can't turn off? When I wrote that I'll try most anything I meant stuff like ROCK CLIMBING and FLY FISHING. NOT occasional departures from a sure and steady path of heterosexual orientation.

So there's clearly just one thing to do: refer him to Mr. 3-for-3. If you don't know who that is or what I'm referring to, I don't want to bust him out publicly.

His name rhymes with "bony".