More on the slur
Last Saturday, in our late night sleepy stupor, Brendan and I got to talking about the derogatory terms commonly used in everyday speech amongst the populace nowadays…

“nigga” - This is probably the most historically derogatory and controversial word ever. It was used toward slaves, then later against U.S. citizens who were treated like animals because of their skin color. Over time, it became taboo and was shocking to hear spoken out loud. Now you hear it all the time… in music, in movies, at home among friends, and outside at school or even in the public streets. Jackie Chan says, “what’s up my nigga” to a black man in a bar, and the audience of Rush Hour laughs. You hear it so much that you’re numb to it. The meaning has changed for its use in pop culture—it’s used to address or refer to friends or people in general—but surely has not changed for a significant portion of the population, who know their history and will never forget it. Some might say that black people overcame its negativity, since they were able to take a hateful word directed at them and turn it into something positive. But is it acceptable for a person of another race to join in and use the word freely in its new context? White, yellow, brown… you can hear all kinds of people say it. It’s become trendy, largely due to rap music’s increasingly mainstream status and the resulting related-media explosion (MTV, etc.). But get an actual black person within earshot, and 9 times out of 10 the wannabes will hold their tongues. What does this mean? And is it right?

“gay” - This one has had me thinking twice for some time now. It’s become equally common, perhaps more so, to insult someone by calling them homosexual. Gay, homo, fag, faggot, buttlover, ass-pirate, fudgepacker, fruitypie… whatever the term (the list goes on and on), it’s thrown around sometimes to poke fun at a friend, other times to viciously attack an enemy. Many people, considering themselves enlightened compared to past generations, profess their acceptance of all races, religions, and sexual orientations… “it’s a personal choice”, “I'm not gay!... not that there’s anything wrong with that”. But then they turn around and by choosing homosexuality as a form of insult or teasing, automatically place a negative connotation on the word, and through it, the lifestyle and people who fall under that category. Like the “n-word”, you might say that no harm is intended or done, since the meaning has changed over time and through pop culture. Is this the case or are you just making up excuses for yourself?

I’m not preaching in favor of either side here. I’m just hoping to promote thinking. Thinking before speaking. Thinking about the consequences of your actions before you take them. Maybe you’ll come to the conclusion that these words are harmless as long as no one takes offense, and you’ll be careful to keep it that way. Maybe you’ll continue to use them in the privacy of your home or with friends, who know you're just joking around or being stupid. Maybe you’ll continue to use them whenever you damn well please.

In attempt to sidestep blatant hypocrisy here, I must admit that in the past I’ve lightheartedly used both these terms, even though I’ve never held any hateful feelings toward either of the groups designated by them. In the first case, it was always a mockery of the media and others who seem to use the word in the wrong situations. In the second case, I’m sorry to say that I became comfortable using the words to joke around with friends, and even instinctively lash out in anger (i.e. road rage, etc.). No harm was meant, but I have realized that this is one of those things that I’ll look back on and be ashamed of. So in my case, I think it’s time to make a change. The choice is yours as well. Live, learn, and grow.


Pop music
Speaking of going along with hip hop trends… I once sympathized with the anti-pop sentiment generally felt among “real hip hop heads”. I liked to keep it real. Now I’m over it. The truth about music is that any genre will have good and bad, and even then it’s up to you to decide which is which. Sometimes you want mindblowing lyrics, or something to relax to, something to dance to, or something to sing along and cry to while thinking about your ex. Oh Well… that’s why I have a variety of genres in my CD and mp3 collections. You might say pop music is all sellouts. Okay. It is generally designed to appeal to a large audience, and thereby make a lot of money. True. But that doesn't mean the artists don't care about their craft... and some of the producers still come up with good beats and melodies.

A prime example of the pop artist, that I happen to have recently looked into, is Justin Timberlake. N Sync had a lot of fans, a lot of haters, and put out some pretty good songs all at once. I think part of the ridicule comes from their typically predictable romantic pop ballads, and part from jealousy. I can admit that I’d love to be able to sing, and to make a music video, and get rich and have girls adore me. Shiet ain’t so. But when you see someone else achieve something like that, you just might blow up their flaws so you’ll be able to attack them. Okay, at first I seriously thought Justin’s voice was annoying and he wasn’t nearly as good-looking or talented as the panty-throwing girls seemed to think. Some of that has changed and some has not, but I have to give him respect for a few things. First, he’s made smart decisions on who to produce music with, and was able to come up with a good solo album. I downloaded all the tracks from “Justified”, and I like it and I will buy it. Second, he can dance. The N Sync choreographed style wasn’t anything special, but now that he’s on his own it’s his show. He moves really well and his videos are pretty good. I especially like the end of “Like I Love You” where everyone’s just freestyling to the beat. The Neptunes and Timbaland beats are perfect for my style of dance, so when I hear the songs they make me wanna move. Third, his singing isn’t bad. Okay, I’m not saying I love his voice, but I guess I got used to it. And the slow song “Never Again”—obviously produced by Brian McKnight—is really good. Fourth reason for respect: game, and lots of it, apparently. If even half the rumors are true, Justin has done damn well for himself when it comes to getting the ladies. I mean come on… Alicia Keys? Janet?? Alyssa Milano?!… all reason enough to be jealous. And don’t forget he’s even younger than us. Fifth and last, he clearly respects Michael Jackson. His album is a Michael kind of mix of styles, his dance and singing are more and more Michael-inspired. And going back to my original point, how can I claim anti-pop when the King of Pop is and will forever be my all-time favorite.


Underdog Syndrome
I like fair fights, long, close matches, and when an underdog steps up unexpectedly. When Tyson knocks some poor sap out in the first round, that’s not interesting to me. When Rocky is struggling round after round to get Drago for killing Apollo, it’s worth watching. When a basketball game goes into double overtime, I’ll watch it to the end… when the Lakers are ahead by 50 points and Kobe keeps scoring with the foul, I’m changing the channel. You get the idea.

What it is - When it comes to a contest that I’m involved in, I seem to like to overcome a disadvantage rather than start out as the favorite. I call this Underdog Syndrome. I’d take more pride in losing a very close match against a better opponent than in beating someone I was almost sure I would beat. What’d be the point of that? The thrill of victory just isn’t there if there’s no real tension or challenge. But when you win despite a disadvantage, you’ve turned what was relatively little (physical attributes, talent, experience) and used other tools (persistence, willpower, creativity, adaptability) to build it into a lot.

Where it came from - Looking at the conservative, modest tendencies I now possess, I have sometimes reflected on their origins… and come to the conclusion that I have the Florida public school system to blame. Specifically, my first grade teacher. When I was a little kid in first grade, all bullshiet modesty aside, I knew way more than the rest of the class. My parents taught me well, and young. I answered all the questions, eager to show how much I knew, and even corrected the teacher once in a while (yeah, RPS even back then). But one day I was raising my hand to bless the class with knowledge, and my teacher said something like, “why don’t you give the other students a chance to answer.” So I sat quietly. I waited. The answers raced through my head over and over as I sat patiently and quietly for my classmates to come up with something. And this behavior stayed with me. Through middle school. High school. College. I know the answer, but something keeps me from saying it. Old habits die hard, I suppose. It may be hard for some to believe, but I was once an outspoken, chatty, know-it-all young boy. But no longer. I went from loving to dominate and be the center of attention… to sitting back and always giving others a chance to catch up.

What I think of it - There are of course drawbacks to Underdog Syndrome. I’m not as aggressive and enthusiastic about winning and achievement as I could (should?) be. It’s almost like I don’t care… or I’ve become comfortable with not winning. I’m not saying I lose all the time, but you could interpret this as my giving myself outs… making an excuse in case I lose: “well of course I lost, the other guy’s obviously better than me.” I’ve also noticed that I might even subconsciously hurt my chances of winning just so I have a long, close match, and give the other person a chance. You might even call me a choker. When I’m about to win, I might throw it away when it doesn’t make any sense. Playing tennis not long ago, I was up 5-2 in the second set, ready to close out the match, but ended up not winning until it was 7-5. In pool, you’ve probably seen me have a good lead then miss an easy shot on the 8-ball. Someone who thrives on domination would always try to win as quickly and by as much as possible. If they are able to maintain this kind of performance, they will be hugely successful and recognized for it. Underdog Syndrome sets me up for the toughest battle possible… against my opponent and against myself.

Here’s where my affinity for the classic video games comes in. Back in the days of big fat pixels and simple beep sounds, game designers had very little to work with. Somehow they came up with a whole lot of entertaining games with charming-if-not-photorealistic graphics and catchy, exciting, and memorable music. Put simply, they made a lot out of a little. It’s like looking back on the original Star Wars trilogy and comparing it to, say, The Matrix. Game producers nowadays have amazing processing power, graphics and sound capabilities at their disposal. Some are still coming up with some great and innovative games, which I definitely respect. But there’s just something about that Mega Man music that makes me think, “man, it takes a genius to arrange beeps and boops into sweet music like this.”

Going back to competition, I have noticed the differences in how we individually tend to handle it. Some of us love to dominate from start to finish. Others of us absolutely cannot stand to lose (or even be behind). As I’ve said, I don’t mind being behind so long as there’s a chance I can come back to win (or fight the good fight). I’m not saying anything else on this right now; it’s just interesting how our different personalities come together and interact in competitive situations.


Blood – Warning: Explicit content
Tuesday the Bloodmobile came to the parking lot at my workplace. I don’t like needles, but I don’t have a dreadful fear of them either, so I figure it’s worth some short-lived pain to give something back to the medical community. I went in after a nice hearty lunch (last time I gave blood I barely ate or drank earlier in the day, and got very lightheaded)…

my experience - I filled out the form and answered their questions. A quick click came with a prick to my left middle finger. Blood iron level okay, I then reclined in a window seat with my left arm extended, because I had developed a little rash near the entry point on my right. Blood pressure gauge on arm? Check. Cleaned and coated in iodine? Check. I squeezed their sponge thing a few times, and they marked my vein with a little metal circle imprint thing. I was looking at my arm, interested in seeing what goes on, but the nurse (or whatever they are) told me I should probably look out the window, and take a deep breath. Fair enough. POKE. Ouch. That didn’t feel good, but the worst is over, right? Squeeze the sponge every 5-10 seconds and relax. “It’s going, but really slow.” What? Without warning, they shifted the needle a bit. OW.

I remember we had a blood drive in high school, and a girl in my after-lunch Spanish class had obviously been crying. She explained that she went to give blood, but they kept missing the vein, so they tried poking her several times and moving the needle around while it was in her skin. It didn’t end up working, they gave up, and all she had to show for her pain was a sticker that said “I tried.”

Luckily they didn’t poke me over and over, but instead… “maybe we should try the right arm”… “is it okay if we start over with your right arm?”… “… sure.” I don’t believe this. I’m getting needled in both my arms, it damn sure better work this time. Same thing as before, only now my right arm is out and my left arm is kept company by a little bandage, gauze wrap, and an ice pack. Look out the window, pokeOW. “It’s going much faster on this side.” Good. Squeeze the sponge, try to think of something other than that tube with a steady stream of dark red fluid being drained from your body, squeeze the sponge, hope that nothing goes wrong, squeeze the sponge, hope they don’t forget about me and take more than they’re supposed to. It was over pretty quick though, so I had another gauze wrapped elbow, a short rest with some free apple juice, and I was on my way.

my thoughts - There’s something about giving blood that makes me paranoid. It’s not about the medical practitioners, but rather the paper with “symptoms to watch for” that they give you. Fever of 100.5°F or more. Headache, eye pain, body aches, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, skin rash on the trunk of the body? If I got any of these I would freak the hell out. All I wanted to do was help a fellow human out, and the price I pay for philanthropy is being hot, puking and scratching my love handles while I have the runs? Fortunately all that's developed so far is some slight bruising.

Another thing… they asked me if I’ve been to the UK lately. If I am a woman who is pregnant (and waited for me to answer). If I am a male who has ever had sex with another male. This got me thinking about STDs and how they’re transmitted. It seems weird to me that men can get them from women or other men. Blood or bodily fluids, huh. So… there’s fluid entering the body through the penis? Really? That just seems weird that it can work that way, since the organ seems designed for expulsion. And for male-male sex… does that mean the fluid must be blood? And why is it so much more likely HIV will be transferred via anal sex? Like I said, I had to think about something while they drained the life outta me, and their questions piqued my curiosity.

On a final, loosely related note… Coldplay has a lyric in their song “Yellow” that goes, “for you I’d bleed myself dry.” One day while listening to it I realized just how really gruesome a thought that is. I’m not sure if the song is supposed to be romantic or what… but that’s not how I like to hear love, loyalty, admiration, or whatever else expressed.


Creativity returns?
I finally got myself a tablet, pretty much like Brendan’s. It came yesterday, and I was really excited opening it up… like Christmas when we were kids, seriously. Of course it’s a bit more expensive than the toys I got back then, so I used special care not to drop it or scratch it or let anyone else breathe on it. Anyways, I feel really eager to do some drawing and coloring with it, and this weekend or next I plan to do my Web site layout (or at least get it well on its way). Who knows, before you know it I Love Stupid might actually have a link to that piece.


… Peace…