DISCLAIMER: SERIOUS BLOG AHEAD. AS USUAL...NOTHING ORGANIZED...

ILS was originally created as a way to share thoughts and to keep in touch with people who went away to school. Mainly it was a way that the founding members could keep up to date with one another without having to tell the same story over and over again. (This also prevented rumors from happening…not that we’ve ever had that problem or anything) With that in mind I decided to post a long one so Jonathan would have something to do at work.

The reason I brought the above up was because at Obon I noticed that my Prospect friends and my YBA friends really do get along. Now this isn’t something new of course, but it got me thinking about those crazy poker games that we used to play and it was akward in that I was putting friends of separate groups together. I had no clue how each group would react to each other. Yet just as Pooky has grown in members and have one place in which to speak to everyone (even though it seems some have retired from posting and/or people who have been given the fucking privilege to be on this blogger still don’t take advantage of it) I have been lucky enough to consolidate my closest friends into one group as well.

I’m also not saying that you all have me to thank for introducing you or anything like that. We all know that everyone had to make efforts to build on that initial introduction so I thank all of you for making it easy for me. (Of course I realize that some of you have tried multiple times to introduce me to other groups of friends that you have to which I can admit that I have never put full energy into building upon those introductions. We all know I’m an ass.) So what exactly is the point of all this? Nothing much except that when I was sitting down at a different table in the gym at the Obon…I was able to look over and see all of you guys laughing and having a good time. That moment right there made my Obon. (Bryant your antics except the PENIS was second in line) This also kind of has a hint of what Jonathan was saying about having friends that share your interests or wanting to be a kid at heart. I’m glad none of us take things to seriously and I hope we can continue to be that way. Some adults tend to lose their imaginations and their hopes and I hope we never get that way. I’m sure being surrounded by the idiots that we are will help retard the transition to adulthood.

So again…is there a bigger point here? Well I was thinking about what Jonathan was saying about how he is a kid at heart and I think I finally figured out why I haven’t backed up what I have said about going to Vegas and playing cards. You can go ahead and say that I’m scared of living on my own or crack jokes about how I don’t know what the real world is yet and I’ll somewhat agree with that, but the truth of the matter is that I am very scared of the idea that I might be able to do it. Can I do it? Who knows for sure. I can’t say that I am 100 percent confident that I could move up to higher and higher stakes poker. I’m a realist and I understand that about 2 percent of poker players can do it as a fulltime job. I’ve read a bunch of articles on “How to become a professional” and shit like that…but I am very scared of committing myself to the game of poker. Why you ask? Why am I being overdramatic about this?

The bottom line comes down to what Jonathan said about being a kid at heart. When you are a kid you have no care in the world. You have so much time to experiment, to kick back and relax and to try different things at your own pace. I’m scared because poker takes years of dedication and years of study to become good enough to make a living out of it. So to help you understand I put these scenarios that I constantly see in my head about my future.

Mission: Professional Gambler

I build up my bankroll steadily. I treat it as a job and therefore I try to spend 40 hrs or more not only trying to win overall, but also to study the game even more. I try to make it up to the higher levels where not only 2.5 - 3 Big Blinds an hour are an acceptable hourly wage, but make enough money to also buy into the larger tournaments where I can continue to work on my skill of poker. I am happy that I have made it. I love the game and everything about it. Yet in the back of my mind sits the creative part of me. I don’t get to paint much anymore and I sure as hell don’t get to direct films, however because I can make my own hours and make good money I can budget my own films Also my cholesterol is off the fucking charts.

Mission: Winner for Best Director…

I become a director. I actually sit the fuck down and start to practice my craft. I am constantly writing and I move to Los Angeles to pay my dues. I get a job as a fucking slave and do shit around the set. I don’t get any say in creative work, but I get valuable experience on the set. I sit around and believe it or not…I work hard and endure the hardships of making it in Hollywood. By some fucking miracle I make it as a director…however, because I worked so hard to make it a director…I lost my willingness to learn poker. Sure I can play it at higher stakes because I can afford it, but a piece of me will always wonder whether I could have made it at a poker player. Just like I said in the past, yes I take poker that seriously.

Mission: Rotoscoping Monkey

I go into Special FX with the emphasis on film. I take online classes for the next year and try to build up my demo reel. Hopefully I can come up with some solid work where I can go into a special FX company up in San Francisco since that is the place to be. I get to stay close to San Jose where it seems a lot of my friends are planting their roots. One of the added bonuses is that this can act as a side door into directing. Perhaps I make some contacts with other people who like to make films and there we can work on a smaller project that might lead to bigger things. Special FX uses my creativity even though not as much as directing. I don’t think I want to stay here for the rest of my life…but who knows.

Mission: Noah’s Manager

Shortly after being promoted I slit my wrists. No one misses me.

So those are what I see in my head. No one can tell me what I should or should not do because all of us are different in how we want to live our lives. Some of you might think that poker is a hobby and not a job. Some of you might think that I can’t direct worth shit and all that saved a project was Jonathan dancing.

The reality is that I have to choose one of these to become awesome at them. I have to choose one to dedicate years to accomplish what I want to accomplish in each field. And whichever one I choose will put the others on the back burner for an indefinite amount of time. Perhaps longer than I would want.

Well this problem doesn’t need to be solved or anything. I just posted this because the kid at heart thing kind of got me thinking and to explain why I haven’t gone to Vegas yet. So to all those who ask what am I going to do after I graduate…I honestly don’t know yet. In the meantime I’ll keep floating around…making nothing of my life and wasting what little talent I have on lox and bagels. =) G’nite.